Scarlet
by teresa
Summary: Kouga has settled down into the life chosen for him by his forebears, but is it what he wants? Rated for adult situations. COMPLETED!
1. How it Has to Be

This story is dedicated to my dear sweet imouto-chan Jade, who knows what it's all about.  Word.

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Scarlet

Part 1

*****

"Kouga!" she cried out, her voice like honey to my ears, and I fell down beside her, utterly spent.  The feel of her heart beating madly against my naked chest, the sound of our panting breaths, the way her legs and arms would shift to hold me inside her as we basked in the afterglow, the smell of her hair and her skin…these things kept me coming back to her.  These things made me want the one thing I wasn't supposed to have.  And it was torture, but at the same time, I think I loved her in my own way.

The fact that she gave so willingly made me hate her.  Or maybe I only hated my own weakness.  I couldn't turn away from her, and now I was an addict.  It was horrible, like all those years of doing what I should and only following what was expected had bred so much contempt in me that now I was doing the worst thing I ever could have.

I was sleeping with the enemy.

Maybe I should explain how things got to this point.  You see, my first love was a strange and powerful miko from another time.  I think I loved her at first because she impressed me.  For a human, she was amazingly brave and strong…and then she resisted me.  I'm the leader of my tribe, the western wolf youkai clan.  I was raised to believe that no one resisted strength and power, so I was sure to accumulate those things in myself.  Being in love with Kagome taught me that sometimes, it doesn't matter _who_ you can kill, or how many followers you have, or how scary you can look when you threaten.  I think she taught me that love is it's own thing, and that you love a person for their kindness as well as their strength, their insecurities and quirks as well as their bravery.

Which was why I decided that I would stop at nothing to have her for myself.  But she also taught me that no matter how much you love someone, they are not obligated to love you back.  And then she married that hanyou, Inuyasha…I hate losing, and it still burns to think that she liked that stupid puppy better than me.

And then I conceded, even though I still feel sick just thinking of it.  I told her that I was happy as long as she was, and that it would have been difficult for us anyway.  If the leader of the western tribe produced only hanyou heirs, the chance of leadership leaving my line would have been very high indeed.

So I went home and I did what everyone wanted me to do for the tribe.  I mated Ayame.

Ayame…she's a good girl, and she's turning into a fair leader.  But she's no Kagome.  And even though she loves me, and she's sweet and considerate and reasonably pretty…I don't love her.  Well…not really.  I thought that after we mated, I would fall in love with her and forget about Kagome.  Life could have been so much easier then, but it doesn't work that way.  I think she knows that I don't really love her, so she tries her hardest to be perfect for me.  But she isn't what I want and it's killing her.  And then…for some reason, it seems that she can't have children.  I think that hurts her the most, and she's still trying everything, though the healer told her its hopeless.  No one else knows, and it actually worried us quite a bit.  You see, wolves mate for life.  Well, that's an oversimplification.  The higher up wolves have to mate for life so that lineage and all that isn't so confusing as it is for the lower ranking wolves who can do whatever they want.

So the problem is this.  Ayame is a princess coming from six generations of leaders of the northern wolf clan.  My background is pretty similar, and if we want things to continue, we need to produce _two_ heirs.  One for the northern tribe, and one for the western tribe.

But she's not producing _anything_.

Enter the solution.  A secret concubine, a sort of consort whose sole purpose it would be to produce an heir that we could _claim_ was Ayame's child.  It would have to be a foreign youkai, or everyone would notice that a random wolf girl was mysteriously knocked up, and only Ayame, the healer, and me could know the truth.

I know, it sounds bad.  But it was Ayame's idea to start out with.  And that's when I met Kagura again.  The only woman I ever had actually wanted to kill.  She had escaped my wrath in the confusion following Naraku's defeat, and I always just assumed that she was dead too.  I was wrong.

I came upon her by accident when I was out hunting in a sudden storm.  I caught sight of a ragged woman trying to escape the storm under the foliage of a large tree.  I thought at first that it was one of the tribeswomen and that she had been caught out in the storm unawares, so I went back to check on her.

At first I didn't realize who it was, but she definitely recognized me right away.  She had screamed for me to stay away and fumbled for her fan under the grimy cotton robes wrapped around her before it hit me.  The fan was what made me remember.  That and her eyes.  They're so unbelievably red, I always wondered how it could be possible, like great pools of blood.

And when I realized it was her…I guess it had been so long, nearly six years since she attacked my tribe, and she looked so pathetic…I wanted to do _something_ though.  So I slapped her, and watched her emaciated form crumple into the mud.

It felt empty.  And it was wet and cold and I was marginally curious about where she had spent the last few years to have escaped all notice.  So I offered her a hand up and ended up carrying her to a cave nearby that I had played in when I was a child.

I set her down and asked her what she was doing prowling around my mountains.  She told me she was lost and that she'd leave if I wanted.  She said that she had spent the years alone, wandering and trying to find a place for herself in a world that seemed to reject her existence.  She said that after being freed, she had vowed never to do anything like Naraku again, but it was hard.

There was no place for her among humans, and a power struggle with local youkai was the last thing she wanted.  And she realized now how hard and cold and unfeeling the world was, but it didn't change the fact that she was starving and cold and alone and very afraid for her soul.  The she apologized to me.

I asked her what she was sorry for and she said everything.  She began to cry, and I couldn't help but believe her.  And I realized that while I was still mad at her for what had happened, I felt sympathy stronger than anything else.

I asked her if she wanted anything.  She cried.  I told her that I wasn't going to kill her or anything, since she was sorry and she had already suffered so much.  And I told her that if she stayed in the cave, I'd watch out for her.  She cried some more.  She told me it would be better if I killed her.  I told her to shut up and I left.

After that, I started working on the cave in secret, fixing it up and making it livable, bringing Kagura anything I thought she might need or want.  I felt…for some reason I felt like Kagome was watching me, and that she would have _wanted_ me to forgive the youkai.  After all, Kagome had been very compassionate, and I couldn't help feeling like maybe, if I was good, maybe she'd come back to me one day.  I knew it was a stupid thing to think, but it was what started my trouble.

I don't know when I made the connection that Kagura would be perfectly suited for the job of consort, but when I explained to her about Ayame's condition and the problem of succession and all that, she eagerly offered to do whatever she could.  I think…she was a lot different than the girl I remembered from before.  Kagura wanted so much to pay me back for what had happened, and for all the things I did to help her…I don't think she thought it was wrong to offer her body to me.  And I took it.

That had all happened about a month ago, and I had realized rather belatedly that Kagura was getting under my skin.  Something about the whole situation…maybe because it was so undeniably _wrong_…maybe it was the way she smiled at me whenever I came to see her.  And then…I realized that since she was only supposed to be there for me to produce an heir, I needed only to visit her at night.  And yet, for some reason, I was finding more and more excuses to come see her.  And sometimes we wouldn't even sleep together.  It was all very disturbing, and I couldn't help but wonder if I had somehow fallen in love with her.  The fact that I still hadn't told Ayame yet was also rather disconcerting.

We had talked about the idea of a secret consort.  Ayame had suggested it in the first place.  So why was I afraid to tell her?  Sighing, I rolled off of Kagura, settling onto the fur-blanketed futon that we had spent many nights in.  She made a soft little rumbling noise, the same noise that she always made after we had finished…what we do together.  I could predict what she was going to do next, it was the same way every time after the first few times.  She stretched out and rolled over toward me, burrowing her head under my arm and then sighing slowly before tracing little patterns over my chest with her fingers.  After a few moments, she scooted up even closer, her body sliding alongside mine as she tilted her head up to my ear, her hot breath tickling my neck.

"Do you want something?  Some tea or something?" her voice was always so rich and lush, like the silk kimonos she favored so much.  I had already given her five of them, and she kept each utterly immaculate.

"No, not really." I answered, knowing that she'd get up anyway.  She was always restless right after, and I didn't mind.  I liked watching her get up, wrapping the yukata around her waist and cinching it expertly before moving over to the fire to make some tea.  It was a ritual that still fascinated me, though I knew better than to drink the end product.  I really didn't like tea at all, and I couldn't see how she could stand the bitter taste of it, but it seemed to be one of her favorite things in the world.  I watched her going through the process and realized that this was the place where I felt more free.  This was where my heart kept returning.  I didn't get so much pleasure from being with Ayame…it was more like a duty, or an obligation that I felt I had to fulfill.

Kagura never expected anything.  She never asked for anything.  And even though Ayame asked for very little outright, she implied so many expectations, it was liberating to be away from here, in the arms of this other woman who I knew I should hate.  I knew I should try to kill her, at the very least refuse to see her ever again.  And yet, I was helpless to her control, and I wondered if she knew.  I wanted so badly to tell her goodbye and to never return, but she held onto me so tightly that I couldn't bear the idea of never seeing her again.  If Kagura ever realized how much she meant to me, I would be in real trouble.

But then, wasn't I already _in_ trouble?  I was actively trying to create a child with her, the one woman I was _sure_ the tribe would stone to death even if I placed her under my protection.  It didn't matter if she was carrying my child.  And then a thought occurred to me.

What if Kagura was barren as well?

And then another thought.

What if Ayame wasn't the problem.  What if _I_ was the one who couldn't have a child?

It was terrifying and liberating all at once.  If I never got Kagura pregnant, I'd never have to try and explain where the child had come from to Ayame.  I didn't love Ayame as a woman, but I did care for her a great deal.  And it would be horrible to me if I let her down.  I felt like every time I gave in to the temptation of Kagura and her hair and her scents and her lips and her eyes that I was letting everyone who depended on me down.  I felt as though I was failing not only my dead kinsmen, but myself.  And it didn't really matter to me.  I still wanted her.  I couldn't get enough.  Maybe I liked the taste of failure, but I couldn't believe that.  I had always hated losing before.

But with Kagura, it tasted so sweet.

I watched as she finished off her tea and then set down the empty cup, not bothering to take off her yukata before she climbed back into bed beside me.  She was smiling at me, her red eyes twinkling as she lay down next to me and kissed my cheek softly.  "Sleepy?" she asked.

"I think I'll sleep here tonight." I told her, and it was well worth the concession to see the brilliant smile on her face.  She never expected anything from me, and so when I gave, she was overjoyed.  She bit at my neck playfully; a sure sign that she was ready for me again, and I pulled open her yukata.  No sense wasting the night.

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"I need to go down to the villages today." I told Ayame as she straightened my armor unnecessarily.  "Do you want anything?"

"Why do you always go there?" Ayame asked.  "Are you…looking?"

"No." I snorted at her, trying not to break into a cold sweat.  "What's the point if I bring back hanyou children?  Everyone would know."

"True." Ayame sighed and patted my chest plate like she did when she decided that I was fit to go out of our cave.  "I was just wondering if you had thought about it at all."

"I'll find a way, don't worry." I winked at her, feeling guilty and wondering if I was utterly transparent or not.

"I just wish…Kouga, can I tell you something?" Ayame arched her copper eyebrows, and I sighed.  It wasn't a question, it was more of a warning.

"What is it?" I asked her, trying my best not to look annoyed.  I really wanted to go down to the village and see if I could find one or two new kimonos for Kagura.  It made her so happy whenever I brought her one...

"I know it was my idea…but I don't know if I really want you to have a consort.  It seems…wrong." Ayame's words made my stomach do a triple backflip.  "I mean…what if you start caring about her more than you do about me?"

I wanted to say something reassuring, but when I realized that her fears were actually too late, that I obviously cared more about Kagura than I did about her even considering the other woman's past, I simply pursed my lips for a moment before getting out a weak, "Ayame, please."

"It's not that I don't believe in you!  It's just…I love you so much.  If you loved someone else, I couldn't bear it." She started to cry then, and I hugged her awkwardly.

"But…I was already in love with Kagome." I pointed out.  I should note that pointing things like this out when your mate is feeling insecure and needy is _not_ a good plan.  Yeah, I'm an idiot.

"I know!  And you've never…I know you don't…it's not the same with me, is it?" Ayame demanded, tears still streaming forth.  "You're only with me because you _have_ to be!  Does that even count as love?  I want you…so bad.  I wish you could understand how I feel."

"I do understand." I told her.  It was the truth.  If she could remember how things had ended with Kagome, she would know it was.  "That's why I'm still here."

"Sometimes I think…we'd be better off if you'd just ignored me." Ayame sniffled one last time and wiped her eyes before pulling away.  "So you're going now?"

"I might be gone for a day or two." I knew I would spend the night with Kagura, there was no point in pretending when it would only make Ayame worry.

"I'll wait for you." She kissed me on the cheek, and I turned to leave, feeling as though I was possibly the most despicable man in the world.

But I guess…we can't help who we love, can we?  If only I had realized that _before_ I mated Ayame.  But now…everything was a mess.

*****

The End (Of Part 1, That Is)


	2. How I Fool Myself

Oh yes, heading into chapter two!  And thanks for the reviews, everyone.  It was especially nice to hear from Kenkaya, who is an awesome poet and a wonderful writer herself.  Check out her stuff.  Oh, and also, I'd like to send out a special thanks to Rumiko Takahashi's close personal friend Ashley, who has informed me that she knows all about how the series will end, and that duh, obviously Kouga will not end up with Kagura.  Good to know!  She also helpfully informed me that I'll never get reviews with this pairing.  Okay, because I really want reviews from the mainstream fandom after the torture of Center Stage "I wantz mo inu kag kizzn b4 da end" reviews.  Ergh, I still shudder.  Also, Ashley, next time you're making derogatory remarks about the size of an author's brain, keep in mind that pee (which you used) = urine, while pea (the more common comparative) = small green legume.  Nice attempt at English, better luck next time!  And, on with the story.

Warnings: Well, Ashley informs me this story sucks and is disgusting.  Might wanna watch out for that.  (I'm sorry, I can't help being a smartass…sigh.) Also, there are some sexual situations, but I feel they're within the current rating.

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Scarlet

Part 2

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Kagura made this little noise when I hit her just right inside.  It was my favorite noise, and the look she made at the same time, her eyelids fluttering closed and her swollen lips parting, her back arching and her head falling back to let her hair ripple in the dim light…it was like I had reached inside of her and pulled away all the demons that haunted her soul.  It was like I was freeing her from every sin she had ever committed.  And it made me feel like maybe, I wasn't such a bad guy myself.

At times like that, one could almost believe we were just a normal young couple, totally in love and without any reservations.  But you know…there's something about the way it always goes at the end that bothered me.  With Ayame, it was a lot different.  Well, that makes sense, of course, but I didn't really bother about the differences in between.  It was the beginning and the end that seemed to me the most different.

With Ayame, she was always the initiate, even if it was subtle.  She would kiss me a certain way, and that was the signal.  With Kagura…I don't know, I think I really couldn't stand the idea of her being in charge, and so I was always the one to start it.  Sometimes it made me kind of wonder if she _wanted_ to say no.  Was she still sore?  Was she tired?  Was that a _good_ sigh or was she sick of me?  I don't know why I worried about it so much, but I eventually picked up on Kagura's signals, ones that I don't think even _she_ realized existed.  A kiss didn't necessarily mean she wanted me to climb on top of her or anything.  It usually just meant she wanted to kiss me.  I knew that if she did anything to tease me, like biting my ear or kissing along my neck or down on my chest, that meant that she was ready for me, but it wasn't a demand.  It was like a statement, and it didn't require anything from me.  When Ayame kissed me and made that little purring noise, I knew what she was expecting, and I gave it to her.  When Kagura kissed me or played with my ears or did whatever she wanted, it was just her showing how comfortable she was with me, how much she liked being with me.

I think I enjoyed that knowledge far too much.  But then, there was the thing that was starting to nag at the back of my mind.  It was the end, you see.  The end was the part that really bothered me.  Kagura, as I've mentioned, has a very predictable set of motions she goes through after we're done and I roll off of her.  Her soft little noise, like a growl in her stomach that bubbled up through her throat, stretching at the same time like some great cat caught at leisure.  Then she would roll closer to me, nudging her head into it's position on my chest while I lifted my arm to accommodate her.  And after that was the soft sigh, a sound that I still hadn't quite pinned down.  Was it content?  Disappointed?  Restless?  Kagura was a hard woman to know, and I was very proud of the few things I had figured out on my own.  Most of the time I had to ask.  Her fingers began making shapes on my chest, and I felt her shift, her voice soft and hot and smooth and decadent, everything that _she_ was.

"Do you want some tea or anything else?" that was what she always said after we finished.  The exact words varied, but it was always the same.

"No thanks." The same response.  And she got up to make her own tea.  And I watched her, shifting for a better view of her graceful movements.  But my thoughts drifted.  Whenever Ayame and I mated, the first thing she said when we were through was 'I love you' or something along those lines.  She said it as soon as I fell on her, her breaths still coming in sharp pants, sweat slick between us, our hearts beating madly as she threw her arms around my neck and clutched me tight while rolling to the side so we could cuddle.  Or so she could cuddle and I could lie there and wonder _what_ I was still doing.

But she said that she loved me.  She had said it so many times I couldn't even count if I tried.  And Kagura never had.  Suddenly, staring at the woman with her hair dangling in her face as she concentrated on measuring the amount of tealeaves to put in the bottom of her little cup, that fact seemed to be very important.  Sure, Ayame expected things.  She _always_ expected something from me.  She expected me to save the world, love her more than any other woman, give her at least two perfect children, and always take care of the entire wolf tribe.  She expected more, I was sure, but I couldn't figure out what most of her looks and kisses and moods and touches meant, and I somehow didn't have the energy to analyze them.  Kagura didn't expect those things.  Kagura didn't seem to expect anything from me.  She seemed surprised every time I visited, as if she thought that I would have no reason to return.  Maybe that meant she didn't need me.  Didn't love me.

This worried me.  I didn't like to think about it a lot, because it made my head hurt to think _why_ I should want Kagura to love me, but I just felt like she _should_.  And then, if I expected her to love me, to give me everything she had, even her heart…wasn't _I_ placing expectations on _her_ now?  Why should I do that?  Did it mean that I needed _her_?

No.  I couldn't.

Or maybe…sometimes…

She was smiling at me.  It was her curious smile, the one she wore when she wanted to ask a question, but probably wouldn't actually press me on whatever topic it might be.  I had seen it the day I told her about Ayame's problem, so I remembered it well enough.

_"What's with that face?" I asked her._

_         "What face?" her expression immediately cleared, but I was no fool._

_         "That look.  Like you wanted to say something." I prompted.  "You can say whatever you want, you know.  I never said you couldn't."_

_"I know.  I just thought that if you wanted to say what was bothering you, you would." Kagura shrugged and turned away.  "It's stupid to ask for something when the person's already decided whether to give it to you or not."  I considered her for a moment, making up my mind._

_"It's about Ayame." I began hesitantly.  "She can't get pregnant.  If the tribe finds out, we don't know what will happen.  She wants me to find someone…"_

My mind faded back to the present, and I shifted to let her settle next to me, sitting up and drinking her tea with her legs folded primly beneath her.  The contrast between that and the way I remembered her moving beneath me only minutes ago seemed almost ridiculous.  Was this Kagura?  Which side of her was the real one?  The villain, the confidante, the lady, the harlot.  Maybe she was all of them.  Maybe none.

Maybe I only loved _parts_ of who she was, but I would never see the whole.  This made me wonder if any part of her loved me.  I thought there must be something in her heart.  But then, what did I know about her, really?  I knew she liked her tea strong, and that she mixed jasmine in it not because of the flavor, but because she liked how it smelled when it was heated.  I knew that usually, she laughed in an extremely smug, low manner, but when she _really_ found something funny, she would turn and look at you, her eyes would shine, and then her laughter sounded like music.  I knew that she slept curled in a ball and preferred the left side of the futon.  I knew that she liked to eat with chopsticks because she thought it was more civilized.  I knew that she liked the strange patterned kimonos better than the more popular styles.  I knew that she liked playing with my hair and that she took her appearance seriously all the time, even just after sex.

I couldn't decide whether this meant that I knew her very well or not at all, but I decided those were things that, to me, defined who she was.  Sometimes I wondered how I could deal with that when recalling who she had been to me _before_ we met again.  I tried to place that Kagura over this one, to blend them into one, but they wouldn't fit, and it bothered me.  I thought that must mean that I liked this person she was now, but I still hated who she'd been.  And so there was no way I could love her.  I was safe, since I would always hate that person who had killed my tribesmen.

But I still wanted to hear those words from her.  Why?  Was it some sort of twisted victory?  If she loved me and I didn't feel the same thing, would that mean that I had won, and that I could make her suffer as I had suffered so long ago?  Was that all it came down to?

Then why did her eyes fascinate me so much?  Why did I want her all the time?  Why was I still sleeping with her, even after Ayame had told me she didn't feel right about me taking a consort?  Ayame was my mate, and I knew that I should feel a strong tie to her, an obligation.  I did feel that.  But I didn't care enough to let it stop me from seeing Kagura.  From wanting Kagura.  From being addicted to her and her ways and her touch and her smell.  Nothing could stop that, I think.

So I was confused.

"Do…you like it?" I blurted out the words without realizing she could take them a thousand different ways.  But after a moment and a slow frown of consideration, she blinked and nodded slightly.  Then a smile curved up lips that matched the deep red of her eyes and made all my worries seem stupid.

"Of course, it's a beautiful kimono." Kagura tilted her head to the side, her hair shifting in the flickering firelight, "I usually wear red, but I think that the blue really brings out my eyes."

"I didn't really think about it that much…but I'm glad." I felt my breathing ease slightly.  I really was glad that she had liked the kimono I'd brought her.  She was always begrudging in verbal gratitude, but she showed her pleasure other ways.  I liked it better that way, and I think she knew it.  She knew me so well…sometimes I wondered if she knew as much about me as I felt like I knew about her.  What did that mean?  Did it matter?  I wanted it to.

"You know, I don't need so many." She told me, sipping the last of her tea and setting the cup aside.  "I lived for a long time with only one kimono."

"But when I found you it was in rags." I pointed out, smiling slightly as she settled against me again, one arm folding between our bodies, and the other draping over my chest lazily.  I wrapped the arm on her side underneath her neck and let my fingers trace patterns on her back.  There were scars there, and they bothered me, but she wouldn't talk about them, so I had given up after the first few times.  "I told you I'd take care of you, Kagura.  That means making sure you have everything you need."

"I was just saying I don't need so many kimonos.  I know they're expensive." She spoke softly, her breath hitting my chest in puffs of warm air.  "It seems odd."

"How come?  I'm not poor, Kagura." I teased her, but she wasn't laughing.

"Well, does Ayame know how much you spend on me?  Does she know where you are right now?" Kagura's voice was so quiet I almost missed it, but it was still there, hanging in the air with expectations and I felt something in my chest tighten.  I had thought…Kagura never wanted anything from me.  But suddenly she's asking me about this?  Why?

"What does it matter to you?" I asked her, trying to sound aloof.  "Since when are you worried about what Ayame has to say about anything?"

"She's your mate, Kouga." Kagura's voice was like ice, and it stung.  "I'm just a consort."

"Don't make it sound like that." I told her, not sure what I was telling her to do.

"Like what?  Like how it is?" Kagura asked me, rolling away from me suddenly.  "Fine, forget I said anything.  It was stupid, anyway."

"I…should go." I stood up, gathering my clothes.  I didn't feel welcome in the cave at the moment, and I don't suppose I was, but I was extremely confused about why this was happening.  I had _thought_ that I understood Kagura and all her needs and wants and quirks and such.  But I guess not.  She wanted something from me.  I couldn't tell what it was, but it was so plain that she was waiting for something that I suddenly felt as though I had failed her too, after all I'd done.  It felt like my heart was on fire.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to ask her to talk to me, to tell me what it was.  I wanted to shake her until she listened to me…I wanted to hold her close and have her hold onto me and have _that_ be enough.  But it wasn't.  I could tell.

She didn't say anything as I left, but I thought I heard something like a sob from where she was lying.  That scared me more than any amount of expectations she held.  I ran home without looking back.

----------

"You're back so fast." Ayame slid her arms around my neck and kissed me, but I wasn't in the mood for her adoration or questions or stories right then.

"I'm really tired." I told her, brushing past her to enter our den more fully, making straight for our furs that were made up so neatly I knew that Ayame had likely spent the whole time I was gone cleaning inside so that I would be comfortable when I came back.  "I'll just go to bed, I think."

"Oh…well I'll be ready in a second." She began changing into her nightwear immediately as if it didn't bother her at all that I had so completely brushed her off.  She amazed me sometimes.  "Did you bring me anything?"  I closed my eyes and tried not to sigh in annoyance.  I managed pretty well, I thought.

"You didn't ask for anything." I told her.

"Well, that doesn't mean you wouldn't just _get_ me something.  Like if you saw something and thought I might like it…" Ayame fingered a bracelet that seemed a little unfamiliar to me.  I frowned at her slightly as she took it off and set it aside.

"How long have you had that bracelet?" I asked her, keeping my tone neutral.

"Oh…a while." She blushed slightly and began changing more swiftly as if that would distract me from the curiosity I had encountered.  I stood back up and moved over to where she had set the bracelet.  Her eyes bulged and she dove for it, but I got there first.  It was a simple band of silver inlaid with bits of jade, but it was elegant and definitely suited her.

"Did you buy this?" I asked her, and she reached for it, still looking rather disconcerted.

"Uh, yeah, I just…didn't want you getting upset about it.  It was kinda expensive." She admitted.  Oh.  So _that_ was why she was so worried.

"Ayame, it's not like we're poor."  I smiled at her reassuringly before handing her the trinket.  "Don't worry about things like that.  Besides, it suits you."

"Really?" Ayame's eyes glowed with a light that only I had ever seen.  It was the light of love, true, pure, unblemished love.  How come it made me feel like an asshole?  How come in that moment, I wished more than anything that it was _Kagura_ looking at me like that?  Ayame was my mate.  Didn't that mean anything to me?

"It matches your eyes." I told her before going back to the furs, kicking off my boots and climbing in quickly.  Ayame was there in a few minutes, her whole body trembling nervously as she edged toward me and I immediately pretended to be asleep as she wrapped her arms around me and kissed my throat.

"Kouga?" she spoke softly, and I didn't answer, thinking she'd just believe I was asleep and leave it at that.  I didn't want to look at her, to see green eyes where I so wanted the red to be.  I know it sounds like a horrible thing to think, but I couldn't help it.  In that moment, it was all I wanted, and it was the one thing Ayame couldn't give me, no matter how hard she tried.  She'd never be Kagura.  "Kouga?" her voice came again, and my brow furrowed, but I kept my eyes closed.

"Yeah?" I asked her, feeling slightly irate, but at the same time, it was almost good to be here with Ayame.  She could help me forget about my troubles with Kagura, and I knew that she'd be only too willing in that respect.

"I'm glad you like the bracelet." She told me, kissing my mouth and purring slightly.  I knew what that meant.  And even though it hurt somewhere inside to hear her voice, to see her face, to feel her body instead of Kagura's, I told myself that it was stupid to feel like I was cheating on the woman in the lonely cave.  She was only a consort.  She had said it herself.

Ayame was my mate.

So why did I picture Kagura in my mind the whole time?

*****

The End (Of Part 2, That Is)


	3. How I Fix Things

I'm shocked at how many people seem to like and show interest in this story.  Jade and I have long held the belief that if it isn't a main couple, no one cares, and the fact that this is non-canon secondary focus…yeah, but it's for my sweet Jade-chan, and so…and so I don't really care about getting a ton of reviews.  I just care that she likes it.  And she does, so mission accomplished!

*****

Scarlet

Part 3

*****

Something was wrong.  I could tell it was.  So many things were changing.  The way she moved, the way her eyes burned into mine.  And yet…she never said no.  She never told me she wasn't in the mood or that she was mad at me.  I know it's a stupid excuse when I could tell perfectly _well_ she wasn't happy.  But why do women do that, anyway?  If she'd just _tell_ me what was wrong, we could fix it and then go back to the way things were before.  I missed the way she said my name when I touched her.  I missed the way she smiled when she saw me come to visit.  She never offered tea anymore.  She didn't want to cuddle with me, and she didn't even object if I left right after we were done.  Why did it bother me that she wasn't kissing me?

I had to remember that this was how it was supposed to be from the start.  Obviously, we had gotten confused, mistaking intimacy for something more, and now she was only trying to rectify that mistake.  We weren't _supposed_ to care about each other in…that way.  She was doing me a favor, just providing herself as a means of producing an heir.  And there was no emotion in it.  Of course not.  There shouldn't be.

Then why did it hurt when I was on top of her and she looked away from me?  Why did I want to slap her and tell her to just love me and stop fooling around about it?  Why should it matter to me?

Unless…

No, that was silly.

She was an acquaintance.  A friend of sorts.  It didn't matter to _me_ what she thought about while we were…together.  I just thought it was awfully rude, you know.  Making tea and not offering me any.  What kind of hospitality is that?

I thought maybe she wanted something, and she was preoccupied because she hated asking me for things.  She had told me that once.  Back when things were more…normal.  In a weird way.  But seriously, I thought that might be the problem.  So I brought her things.  All kinds of things.  Anything I would think that maybe she might want, and I got it for her.

She now had an extensive collection of teas, a small herb garden, about twenty kimonos, six sleeping yukata, an expensive tea set or three, and various other implements.

She was still upset.  I was really confused.  And so I made a mistake that most men make at least once in their lives.  I decided to ask her after we had just finished, when I was still on top of her, wondering why she didn't make that noise…that little purring noise.  I liked that noise.  I missed that noise.  And she wasn't holding me.  She was just laying there, like a broken doll.

"Is something wrong?" I asked her.  Let me tell you something right now.  Asking women if something is wrong when something is _obviously_ wrong…that's the wrong thing to do.

"What?  Was that not good enough for you?" she rocked her hips up against me and I had to bite back a surprised gasp.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." I told her, disentangling myself from her and rolling over onto my back.  I still wasn't quite ready for standing.  "Kagura…seriously, if something's wrong, why don't you tell me?"

"Why would you care?" she asked, her tone bitter.  It was always bitter these days.  I wanted it to be soft again.  Content.  Warm.  Kagura.

"What makes you think I wouldn't?" I asked her, defensive and apparently not going down the right path, because she stood up and snatched up a yukata, wrapping it tightly around herself.  "Do you hate me?"

"That's a stupid question." She snorted, settling down to make her tea with as much noise as possible to convey how she felt about this discussion.

"Is it really?" I wanted to know.  "You act like it."

"Maybe I don't hate you." She answered after a pause, her voice softer, and her movements slower.  "Maybe I hate what I am."

"Kagura, it's not your fault what happened." I assured her.  She was always stuck on the past, and it was sad to think how it must make her feel even now.

"Not _that_." She shook her head and set the pot on the coals.  "Look at me.  What do you see?"

"I…" I didn't know how to answer that question.

"A _whore_.  I'm your whore.  You don't really care about me or anything.  I'm just here to supply you with a child." Kagura's voice sounded very brittle, like it could snap any moment.  "And I can't even _do_ it."

"You aren't…Kagura, it's not like that." I told her, but my mind taunted me.  _Isn't that how it is?  That's what you keep telling yourself, and now you're telling her it's different.  What is it, really?_

"I sleep with you and you buy me things.  It sounds a lot like I'm a whore." She told me, her hands fisting in her lap, knuckles slowly turning white from the tension of her grip.

"Kagura…" I didn't know what to say.  I guess I never do.

"You keep me here, and it's all for you.  I told myself…I owed you this.  After what happened." Her voice was so soft that I moved closer to hear her.  "I told myself it wouldn't matter.  No one would know except you, and me…but it's driving me insane."  There was a long silence, and I was terrified to see her whole body shudder in a long, drawn out sob.  She was staring at her lap, and I couldn't see her expression, but I had an idea that she must be very upset.  She _sounded_ that way.  I _felt_ that way.  "I can't do this anymore, Kouga.  I'm sorry, I just can't.  It's not worth it."

"Is it…really that bad?" I didn't know what it was that was hurting her so much.  "I thought…I tried to be…kind to you.  Is it bad?"

"Kouga…you're so male." Kagura shook her head and sniffled.  So, she was still crying.  I didn't know why that hurt so much, but it did.  "Always worried about that.  The sex is fine.  You're very good about it.  You don't push too far or ask too much.  If…if my heart were stronger…" she collapsed then, and I got up, going to her side immediately, not caring that I was still stark bare.

"Kagura…please, I just don't understand." I told her, pulling her to me and gasping in surprise when after a brief show of resistance, she flung herself at me and hugged me tightly, her nails digging into my back as she cried on my shoulder.  "Why is this so painful?"

"Because…I…I'm stupid." She told me, her voice broken and soft and thick with tears.  "I didn't…want to."

"You didn't want…to be like this?  To be my…consort?" I liked that word better, but it still didn't feel right.  It bothered me, and I don't think she liked it either from the vehement shaking of her head against my chest.

"It's not…I just didn't expect things to get so…like they are."  Kagura's words were too vague, and I was too frustrated.  I grabbed her chin and made her look at me.

"Tell me something or don't talk." I told her, my voice coming out harsher than I'd intended.  The minute I said it, I expected her to break down in tears worse than before, and I felt like an idiot, but instead of that, she straightened and pulled away, wiping her eyes.

"I'm sorry.  I shouldn't…be like that." She stood and went to brew her tea as I remained where I was, naked, confused, and totally without a clue as to what she was thinking or wanting or needing from me.

_Funny…it used to bother me.  The idea of her wanting something from me.  Now I just want her to be happy.  I want to do whatever it is that she's hoping for.  So why won't she just_ tell _me?_

"Kagura?" I felt like there was a weight on my chest, and I blamed her.  Kagura had put it there, and I knew it.  "I'm going to go now."  I was so sick of everything.  She wouldn't talk to me.  She wouldn't listen to me.  She wouldn't do anything but drive me insane.  I began to gather my things as she remained where she was, sipping her tea and staring at her lap as though I had never been there to begin with.  It stung, being ignored by her.  I wondered if this was how I made Ayame feel.  I didn't pay enough attention to her…it wouldn't hurt me to be nice.

_It might hurt Kagura._

But since when did she get higher consideration than Ayame?  Ayame was my mate.  She was supposed to be more important to me than anything else.  But somehow…somewhere along the line, Kagura had taken over that number one spot, and it was something that confused me too much.

"Are you coming back?" Her question struck me as silly.  Why would she ask that?  I _always_ came back.

"Of course." I pulled on my boots harshly, and was irritated to see that even when she had spoken to me, she hadn't looked up.  I stood, pulling on my chest-plate and attaching the straps with the practiced ease that allowed my thoughts to wander as I dressed.  And then, I felt a slight pull behind me.

Kagura…was pulling my tail?

"Do you want something?" I asked her, not wanting to turn and cause myself pain.  Tails are delicate, and she knew it.  Why would she grab it like that?  It could hurt me, is that what she wanted?

"Don't go." Her voice was so soft…so quiet, I could barely hear it, but it was enough to make my heart leap to my throat.

"What?" I had to be sure.  I had to know what she had said.

"Please.  I don't…want you to go." She let go of my tail and her arms were suddenly around my chest.  It was amazing how slender they were, and yet they still held me as surely as iron bars.  "I'll be…I'll do anything.  I hate when you go…when you look so angry."

"Tell me, then." I covered both her hands with one of mine.  "What's bothering you?  I really want to know."  There was a silence.  She went stiff, and her arms dropped.  I thought that she was giving up and that it wasn't worth it, whatever it was.  In her mind, it hurt less to let me go than to tell me what hurt her so much.  And _that_ hurt.  So I moved toward the exit again, and then I heard it.

"I love you."

"You…what?" I was sure my ears were playing tricks on me.  And why did I feel like smiling and crying and kissing her and hugging her all at once?

"I love you." She admitted it again, slightly louder this time.  "That's…why.  I fell in love with you and now…it's stupid, I know I can't have you.  You have a mate."

"Kagura…" I turned, my arms open, and she came to me willingly as always.  I stroked her hair and then kissed her forehead, offering a shaky smile.  "You already have me whenever you want."

"I want you all the time." She told me, her eyes glittering and crimson and so deep and fascinating I couldn't pull away if I wanted.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked her, avoiding the subject.  We both knew that I couldn't do that.  Not anymore.  Things were expected of me.  I had a mate and my responsibilities to the tribe as well.  It was the worst…but that was my life.

"I couldn't." she had her arms around my neck now, and I wanted to feel her against me…more than she was.  My armor…my clothes were in the way.  I pulled at the straps, and she moved her hands to help me.  "I thought you'd leave if you knew."

"I thought you hated me." I told her, pulling my armor up and off as she worked on fur.  "It really hurt…thinking you hated me.  I thought I'd destroyed you without even knowing it.  It was driving me crazy trying to think of how I'd hurt you so much."

"I'm sorry." She offered a small, apologetic smile and a soft kiss.  "If it makes you feel better, it was driving me crazy too."

"Next time, just tell me." I brushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek tenderly.  "I won't leave you.  You should know that by now."

"Thanks." She blushed and pulled at the tie on her yukata.  "You want…some tea or something?"

I laughed.  It felt so good to have her back, to have her feelings out in the open, to have things so much more honest than they had been when I first arrived that evening, handing her a yukata that she thanked me for with no feeling before stripping as though it was a chore and waiting for me on the furs.  Things were better now.  This was the way it had to be, this was the way I wanted it.

"No thanks." I told her, kissing her again and brushing my hand under the open yukata.  It was like I was touching her for the first time, and it felt so sweet…so warm, so right.  "Maybe later."

----------

"You were gone longer than usual." Ayame was there as soon as I entered the den, her hands on her hips and her face flushed.  "Did you bring me anything?"

"You didn't ask for anything." I reminded her.  She was annoying sometimes.  I was trying to enjoy my afterglow, and she was definitely getting in the way of my silent enjoyment.

"Kouga, we need to talk." Her face went serious, but the smile twitching at the edge of her lips was nervous, as though she thought that maybe I wouldn't listen to her or something.

"What is it?" I assumed immediately that someone was mating someone else or somebody had gotten into trouble.  She always insisted on giving me the gossip that I would learn in no time anyway, as though it was an important issue.  It wasn't like she didn't include important stuff in there as well, but it was just…

"Come on, come in here and I'll tell you." She winked, smiling brightly as she pulled on my hand, dragging me into our private den.  At least whatever it was couldn't be _bad_ news, since she was grinning so much.  "Okay, you ready?"

"Ready." I nodded, ready for any sort of inane babble she had prepared for me.

"I'm pregnant."

*****

The End (Of Part 3, That Is)


	4. How I Wonder

Yep, finally updating.  I know, it's amazing, but true.  Aaaaand, away with the show!

*****

Scarlet

Part 4

*****

"I'm pregnant."

I can't really put words to how I felt at that moment.  Confused.  Relieved.  Terrified.  Disappointed.  Happy.  Cheated.  And really, really confused.  I think Ayame was expecting some gesture of joy and love and excitement.  Maybe I was supposed to laugh and kiss her and sweep her up and tell her I loved her and say how happy I was.  Instead, I did the first thing I could think of.

"How?" I asked, my tone faint and confused, like the shock was so much I was in a daze.  This reaction obviously disappointed Ayame as well as confusing her.

"What do you mean?  I thought you _knew_ how." Her tone was irate.  Great, already with the mood swings.  What an adventure _this_ would be.

"Well…I just meant…I thought you couldn't…you know, we kept trying." My mind was still a jumble, so I wasn't very coherent.  "But you never…yeah."

"Isn't it great!  The healer says it's like a miracle." Ayame recovered her good mood in record time, giggling nervously.  My mind belatedly noted that I had better appear excited and happy or this conversation would likely never end.

"Wow." I was not very good a acting right then, but I did force a smile.  "That's…just great.  Wonderful, really."

"I know!  To think, we almost brought a consort into our lives.  Horrible to think…this is the best thing that could happen to me.  To us." She looked so pleased with herself.  I felt like vomiting.  I kissed her cheek and forced a smile again.

"Wow.  Just…wow." I needed to get away.  I was having trouble breathing.  "Let me…I think I need to go for a walk." Ayame's face fell.

"Will…you be back soon?" she asked, eyes wide and pleading.

"Uh…yeah." I broke away, nearly running out of the cave in my desperate need to escape.

Somehow, I neded up at Kagura's cave.  I had been here only an hour ago.  She was cooking now, making herself a light lunch of rice.  And when she saw me, her face lit up as though I'd been gone for days.  There was some confusion there, but mostly happiness.

"Back so soon?" she set down her bowl, moving to greet me with a warm kiss.  It felt like a breath of fresh air, but I was just…distracted.  "Kouga?  Are you feeling all right?  You look pale."

"I'm fine." I lied.  What was I doing here?  I guess I was scared, so I went to where I felt safest and happiest.  With Kagura.

"Are you hungry?  I could make you rice." She offered, still obviously concerned, but respecting my privacy.

"No, no thanks." I told her, my hand ghosting over the side of her face.  "I just need to be here right now."

"Oh." Her blush, the smile so full of joy and love and wonder was more beautiful than anything I'd ever seen.

"Don't mind me," I walked in a bit, sitting near her fire.  "Go about your business.  I just want to be with you."

"Alright." Still blushing, she sat next to me with her rice and began eating, her face still stuck in a smile as if I'd given her so much happiness that she couldn't possibly restrain it, and it kept seeping out, making her positively glow.  After she had finished her rice, she looked up and blushed impossibly red.

"What?" I asked her as she turned away to clean up.

"You keep staring." She answered, still not facing me.  "It makes me feel naked."

"Does it bother you?" I wanted to know.

"It…I don't know." She admitted, putting away her newly cleaned dishes and returning to sit with me.  "Is it really that interesting to look at me?" I laughed at her, thinking she was joking, just fishing for compliments or something.  But from the look of confusion on her face, I realized that she didn't see the joke, so I cleared my throat and explained.

"You're beautiful, Kagura." I explained, and she made a sharp choking noise.  "Didn't you know?"

"Well…no one's ever…I try to be…but no one says so." She looked completely flustered.

"You are." I told her, reaching for her face and brushing my knuckles over her cheek.  "Like the most perfect sunset…or a forest after an ice storm…or a mountain lake so clear it looks like two skies…I don't know." I chuckled self-consciously.  "That must sound stupid."

"No." her voice was breathless, husky.  "It's not stupid at all." And then she kissed me so hard I couldn't breathe.  In a blur, my armor was being cast aside, nearly torn off.  It felt like an attack.  It felt like I was helpless, and Kagura was completely in control, and there was nothing I could do about it.  It felt wonderful.

I realized as she nearly dragged me to the furs and cast aside her kimono quicker than I'd _ever_ gotten through all those layers of silk that this should bother me.  But it didn't.  I trusted Kagura so completely, it didn't bother me to let her have control like it always did if Ayame tried to be on top.  But here I was, underneath Kagura in all her raw glory, the most beautiful woman that ever was, that ever would be, and I loved it.

I loved her.

"Fuck." The realization was like being smashed under a ton of stone, it hit so hard.  And then Kagura froze over me, her hands still tight on my shoulders, lifting her head from where she had just been laying siege to my right shoulder with her mouth, the pause in motion jarring me as her insides pulsed, protesting against the interruption.

"You okay?" her eyes went from crazy, uncontrolled lust and need to concern and curiosity in the space of two seconds.  It really was remarkable.

"Yeah." I didn't really think before I spoke, but in my defense, I had a beautiful, naked woman on top of me, and most of my blood was obviously _not_ going to my brain at the moment, so my mind was not really sharp.  "I'm in love with you."

Silence.

Her hands tightened when I said it, but then loosened again, as if she worried she'd hurt me.  She blinked at me, her expression now completely confused.  There was that pulse again, like her body wanted to swallow me whole, but she didn't move, didn't say anything, only blinked and pulsed around me twice more before the gravity of the situation finally escaped me entirely and I ground my hips up against her.  She made a noise then, half surprise and half pleasure, and I felt suddenly foolish.

"Sorry," I told her.  I meant that I was sorry for interrupting her inner monologue.  She apparently thought that I was sorry I had said what I did.

"Do you?" her voice was desperate, still soft and breathless from what we'd just been doing, what we technically still _were_ doing.  If ever she needed something from me, it was at that moment.  "Love me…I mean." Her voice was so shaky, so vulnerable.  She needed me to lover her, I realized, just as I needed _her_ to love me, though I had tried to deny for a long time that I needed anything from her other than an heir.  I tried so hard to convince myself that she was just a consort, and in the end, I hurt her by making her doubt her own worth.

"Yeah." I answered, and her breath hitched before she kissed me again, so hard I thought my lips might bruise.

"I love you, too." She panted as she resumed her rhythm above me.  "So much."

Maybe it was because she was on top, and I'd never done it that way.  Or because she had started the whole thing.  But I thought there was another reason that it felt better than it ever had before.  It had always been great with Kagura, but sex was sex, and in a way, it was the same as what I did with Ayame.  But for the first time in my life, I was making love.  To Kagura.  I felt whole, as though a piece of me that I had never known was missing had suddenly been returned.  I felt like crying.  When we had finished, Kagura _did_ cry, for nearly ten minutes.

"I'm so happy…" she told me after I asked if she was alright.  "So happy it hurts.  Do you know what I mean?"

I did.

I even forgot about Ayame and her surprise pregnancy until Kagura was sipping tea beside me, still smiling uncontrollably.  And then it began nagging at me, before I sat up with a sudden realization.  All the pieces fit, and all the sudden, I just knew how to explain all of it.

"Kouga?" Kagura tilted her head in question and I blurted out my thoughts immediately.

"Ayame's sleeping with someone else."

----------

I had just told Kagura everything that happened on my brief visit home after leaving her that morning, and now she was sipping tea and staring ahead of herself thoughtfully considering what to tell me.  I hadn't really explained my reasoning behind the conclusion I'd drawn, but now that I had told her about the pregnancy, I somehow assumed she'd come to the same conclusion as me.  But then, after she had finished her tea, she got up and cleaned her cup without saying anything, I cleared my throat.

"So, what do you think?" I asked her.

"About your baby?  Congratulations, I guess." Kagura sounded annoyed.  Great, just what I needed.  _Two_ moody women.

"No, I mean, don't you think it makes sense?  Think about it." I attempted again.  "First, we're trying and trying all the time to have a kid, and nothing works.  Then I take on…I mean…I met…"

"I _know_ what I'm here for, don't worry about offending my delicate whore sensibilities." Kagura rolled her eyes.

"Kagura, please, you know I hate when you talk yourself down like that." I sighed in annoyance.  We had just had mind-blowing sex and now she was going all female on me.  Life was unfair.  "Can you just help me try and figure this out?  I don't wanna accuse Ayame of something she didn't do."

"Oh, sure, let's talk about how often you two have sex, and when was the last time, and what the baby might look like, and maybe I'll send her a nice card for getting pregnant before me."  Kagura nearly broke her cup, putting it away with a harsh slam.  "Congratulations on getting me fired, Kouga's _all_ yours again!  I guess where there's a will, there's a legitimate child heir."

"Kagura!" I snapped then.  I didn't mean to, I just…she was driving me insane.  I knew that she was upset, but when she talked about herself like she was something totally worthless after I had _just_ told her I loved her…after I had only just _realized_ my feelings…it stung deeper than she could possibly know.  It was like she was throwing my feelings in my face, saying that what I thought and felt meant nothing to her.  It hurt, and it made me angry.  "Dammit, can you stop?  You don't have any idea—"

"_You_  don't have any idea!  Another woman is having your baby!" Kagura stood, stomping sharply to emphasize her point.  Her face screwed up, became red, and in moments, tears were spilling down her cheeks.  What was _wrong_ with everyone today?  "And you just said you loved me!  How am I supposed to believe you now?  All you want to talk about is her and it's just…dammit."  Kagura wiped her eyes, embarrassed at her own outburst.  "I wanted to have it…so much.  I prayed for it…I just wanted to see your face.  I dreamed about telling you one day that I was pregnant, that we were going to have a baby…you would have smiled…kissed me and been so pleased…I took so many lives from you, and I thought if I could give you just one…" she turned away then, her shoulders shaking slightly, showing me that even though she had gone silent, she was crying again.

"Kagura…" I stood then, moving toward her and pulling her to me, despite her initial resistance.  She didn't want me to see that she was still crying, but I didn't care.  I just wanted her to know that I really _did_ love her.  "Kagura, it's not my baby.  That's what I'm saying.  Think about it.  All this time, it was me.  I'm the one who can't…because look at us, and you've never gotten pregnant.  And Ayame just showed that it's not her, so you see…that only leaves one thing.  Another guy.  But you should know that even though I would have loved a child from you more than anything else, because it would be yours, I meant it when I said I love you.  And it doesn't matter if we can't have kids.  I didn't fall in love with you because I thought you could give me something like that.  I want to be with you, Kagura.  That's all.  Just you.  And you don't owe me anything, so stop beating yourself up about it."

"But…if that's it, then what do you even care if Ayame's with someone else?" Kagura asked, looking up hesitantly.  "I mean, if you love me, do you…can you love her too?"

"Kagura, no." I sighed, feeling stupid now that I realized exactly why she was upset.  "Never mind.  It doesn't matter if she _is_ with someone else.  I actually…I mean, I feel guilty that she's tried so hard to please me, and I've never loved her the way she wanted.  And then…you.  All there is for me is you, but I mean…I _do_ still feel responsible for Ayame, for the tribe, and I think I should figure out what to do about all this.  I didn't mean to make you jealous or anything, I just…was thinking out loud, you know?"

"Okay." Kagura sighed, blushing slightly.  "I'm sorry I got so upset.  I guess I'm just…not really feeling very confident about this."

"That's because of me.  I let you think that you're less than you really are." I burrowed my face into her hair.  "I want you to know…it won't always be this way, Kagura.  I'll make it better.  I'll make sure that you're happy, that you get everything you deserve if you just stay with me.  Believe in me."

"Kouga," her voice was so soft and smooth, it sent chills down my spine.  "I'm happy with you.  You don't need anything more than that to keep me here."

"Kagura…" I felt like the atmosphere was heavy, too thick, too serious, so I blurted out something ridiculous to lighten it.  "Wanna fuck?"  Kagura burst into laughter, the kind that I loved, her true laugh, like a wonderful, rich musical sound rolling through the air.  She kissed the side of my neck lightly after she had recovered slightly.

"That's what I love about you." She told me then.  "No bullshit.  Straight to what matters."

*****

The End (Of Part 4, That Is)


	5. How I React

So here's the story.  It's still not actual school term yet, so I don't really know what day it is.  I just know if I have to work or not and then promptly forget the rest.  So this morning, when I saw that it was Thursday, I realized that I had two choices:  Get on the ball and try to finish my updates by that night, or laze off all day and say "screw that, I'll just do it next week."  Now, this is only the first of two updates that needs writing, but since Jade insisted that she needed her "Scarletto," here I am, totally subservient sister that I am.  It's nice to see how much she loves it, considering I'm writing it for her.  I rule at making her happy.

*****

Scarlet

Part 5

*****

"Are you sure about this?"

"Of course."

"You seem attached.  You cried, I saw you."

"You don't know what you saw."

"Just don't forget the plan."

"I won't."

"You can't just back out.  You swore."

"I know."

"It's not your choice anymore."

"I know."

"Shh, he's moving."

"Kagura?" I woke, groggy and confused as her brilliant eyes darted to me from where she'd been standing at the cave entrance.  She seemed troubled, but a smile overtook her face after a moment.

"You're up, finally." She walked over gracefully enough to appear as though she were floating over the dirt floor.  Maybe she was.  Maybe this was all just a dream, and she was an angel come down to give me everything I'd ever wanted.  But then something struck my still sleep-dazed mind and I frowned as she knelt to stir at the rice she had prepared for breakfast.  "Slept straight through dinner and on into daylight, like you were exhausted.  Just exhausted."

"I was, I think." This distracted me momentarily before I remembered what it was that had woken me.  Kagura had been talking to someone.  I was sure I'd heard a conversation.  Something about planning…somebody's choice or something like that.  But no one was in the cave except the two of us.  "Were you…talking to someone just now?"  Her smile cracked, as though it had been a mask that had been shattered momentarily before the pieces came back together.  Only an instant, but she had looked scared.

"No…of course not." She giggled nervously, as though she were worried about why I would be asking something so strange.  "Who would I talk to?  There's no one here."

"Not now…I guess." I felt foolish.  I had been dreaming about something, and the conversation must have been some left over piece of the dream.  It's one of those confusing states between waking and asleep, where dreams and reality blend and you can't see what is true and what's in your mind.  But maybe that's just me.  "Sorry, I was just dreaming, I guess."

"I was in your dream?" She looked so impossibly pleased at that, I couldn't disappoint her.  I didn't honestly remember the dream.  Even now, I was struggling to recall what that conversation had been about, and what it had meant in my dream.  Apparently nothing important.

"Yeah." I shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal of it.

"Was it a good dream?" she wanted to know, utterly fascinated at the idea that I should dream of her.  She was watching me raptly as she sat down at the same moment I sat up, accepting the bowl of rice she handed me, and frowning at the chopsticks that she was so insistent upon.  She thought they were impossibly elegant, wonderfully civilized, and she did not seem to understand that I thought sticks were for burning, not for eating things with.

"I'm not sure, I don't remember it very well." I admitted, making a passable attempt with the frustrating implements, "But I guess if you were in it, it couldn't have been anything bad."

"Dreams can always be bad." Kagura's voice went flat suddenly.  "Maybe in your dream, I was bad."

"That's stupid." I immediately regretted my words as she looked up, her face stricken at my reaction.  "I mean, if it was a bad dream, I would have woken up because of it."

"But you did wake up." She reminded me.  Damn, she was good.

"Yeah.  But I didn't feel like it was a bad dream." I surmised.  "That means it was a good one."

"I wish…" she sighed softly, and I focused my attention on her instead of on those stupid grains of rice that _refused_ to stay between the chopsticks on the trip to my mouth.  "I wish I had nice dreams like that."

"I don't even remember it." I told her.  "It's no big deal.  I'm sure your dreams are just as good."  There was a long silence, and she smiled at me, but it was that weird smile, that smile I wasn't sure of.  It wasn't the one I had seen before, so many times I had it memorized.  She wasn't happy, and I knew it.  I had obviously said something wrong, but she didn't want to upset me, so she just smiled like she meant it, like she thought I would be convinced she was fine and everything was all right.  I didn't remember there being so much trouble _before_ I confessed to her.  It seemed like a lot of trouble to me, being in love.  It had never ended well before.  But I guess, before…Kagome hadn't loved me back.  It wasn't the same.

"So." She spoke after I finished my rice and she took my bowl and the sticks I so despised to wash.  "Do you think Ayame's worried?"

"What?" Okay, maybe I was just having a weird morning, but that seemed odd to me.  She _never_ brought Ayame up first.  She got upset when I talked about her at all.  It was silly, but still…

"Well, the last time you saw her, she told you she was pregnant, and you ran off.  And you've been gone nearly a day.  I just thought…" Kagura drifted off, drying the bowl more thoroughly than what was necessary.

"I want to be with you." I told her, feeling a strange something in my gut.  I was too absorbed in the conversation to pay it any mind.  "So what do I care if she's waiting for me?"

"Kouga…she loves you." Kagura's voice was soft, but sharp.  A bit like linen pulled over a dagger.  "She's carrying your baby."

"She's still not you." I could not understand what Kagura was trying to do, but really all she was succeeding in was confusing me and making me think that she was mad at me for something stupid.  Maybe she was just trying to start an argument.  Did she want me to go to back, or to tell her that I loved her best and always would?

"Kouga…she's pregnant now." Kagura turned to me then, her face unreadable, but I could tell that whatever she was going to say was something that I had better listen to.  "I'm your consort.  I'm only here so that you two can have a child.  You don't need me anymore.  What would she think if you kept coming here?"

Okay, maybe now is the time for me to explain that while Ayame didn't _technically_ know about Kagura, I had kind of let Kagura assume that I had told Ayame I had found a consort and everything, that she was utterly fine with all of this, and that she knew that was where I kept going for nights and days at a time.  So maybe Ayame didn't really know all that, but I had never actually _said_ she did.  I just didn't bother to tell Kagura she _didn't_.  That wasn't lying, I figure.  That was censoring the truth.  It's not like it really should matter if Ayame knew.  It was a stupid thing to hide, really.  But I kind of got the feeling that Kagura found it important.  It was funny that someone I had once thought of as a deceptive witch was really so honest and forward with everyone.  Odd, how people change

"I told you we need two children." I answered after a while.  It wasn't a lie.  I just didn't bother to correct anything she'd said that wasn't true, and didn't bother to clarify and make sure she didn't assume any other things that were lies.  Or exaggerations.  Whatever.  "And like I said before, I know she must be with another guy.  We should keep trying.  I want my heir to be _mine_.  Not just hers."

"Oh." She seemed small when she said that.  "Kouga?"

"Yeah?" I really did _not_ like this conversation.

"After you have two…"

"I couldn't leave you, Kagura.  Ayame will just have to learn to deal with it."  It seemed a horrible thing to say, but wonderful when I said it to Kagura.  Ayame would be heartbroken if she knew.  If she really was still faithful.  Which I doubted highly.  "And anyway, if she's fooling around, I don't see why I should be miserably faithful to her."

"I thought wolves mated for life." Kagura's voice sounded innocent, but it was deceptive.  She wanted me to say something, I just had to figure out what it was.  "But look at you two.  You're just like humans."

"Back when blood was pure, yeah." I admitted.  She could know this.  She could know anything she asked of me.  "There was this bond with your mate.  You never looked at anyone else that way.  That was _it_.  But then we brought in other youkai, by accident, on purpose, secretly." I smiled at her there, but she did not seem to think this was funny.  "And it's still there, sort of.  But it can be broken if you don't love your mate.  And I don't.  You know that.  I told you I love you."

"So you're saying that you can only love one person?" she blinked at me so disarmingly, I didn't think before I answered.

"Of course." It seemed a silly thing to ask.  But Kagura had a hard time understanding a lot of things.  I guess that was what happened when your only parental figure was Naraku.  Life was not something that explained itself for you.

"But you love Kagome." She reminded me.  I felt my stomach drop so hard it felt like I'd be sick.  "Don't you?"

"That…is stupid." I didn't know what else to say.  She had me in the corner and I had nothing to tell her, nothing to satisfy what she was looking for, whatever the hell that was.  It was too early and she was too curious.

"Don't you?" she was very insistent when she wanted something.  Now was apparently one of those times.

"I did." I admitted.  "But it was different."

"So you don't love her anymore?" Kagura wanted to know.  "If she came in here, into this cave, right now, and she said she was madly in love with you and wanted to have billions of your babies, would you tell her no, that you weren't interested anymore?  Or would you go with her?"

"I'm with you." I somehow felt this should be an answer that would end the conversation.  I really hated this stupid conversation.

"If it was between us, who would you pick?" she asked, perfectly serious, paying me perfect attention, looking as though she needed my answer more than anything else at that moment.  I had a sudden stroke of brilliance then.  I stood and strode over to where she was standing next to her little cupboard, and I hugged her tightly.  I was horrible with words.  I knew this well enough to know that I would never solve this problem if I relied on them.  So I acted.

"I love you _now_." I told her.  "Not her." And I kissed her.  That had to make it sure, that had to make her see that she was the most important thing I had in my life.  Because she was, and the thought that she wasn't hurt.  It took so long to find someone I could love who could love me back.  I couldn't go through that ever again, I was sure.  This was one of those things that don't happen twice.

"Will you love someone else, five years from now?" she wanted to know, her voice soft and breathless as it was after the best kisses.

"Why would I want to love someone other than you?" I asked her back.  She blinked at that.  Apparently she hadn't expected something like that for an answer.  As she stared at me, her features melted from that innocent curiosity to a warm smile, something so true and so bright that I felt like melting.  And then she started to cry.  "Kagura?"

"I'm…sorry." She sniffled, smiling and wiping her eyes, "I've just been so off lately.  Stupid, really.  I just start crying for practically no reason.  I didn't mean to worry you."

"It's okay." I kissed her between both her dark, perfectly arched eyebrows. "Just stop with the questions, okay?"

"Okay." She smiled, wiping up the last of her tears and smiling brilliantly.  "It's a deal."

----------

I did go back to the cave, but I waited out the rest of that day and didn't leave Kagura until halfway through the day after that.  I figured that, after all, I should keep up appearances for now.  It was clear to me that Ayame must have found someone else, and as soon as I could prove it, I could stop trying to hide Kagura from her.  Because really, if she was cheating on me, it wasn't wrong for me to be with someone else as well.  At least, it seemed that way to me.

"Kouga!" she was standing on the overhang just outside the cliff when I approached, not overly eager to reach her.  "Kouga!  Oh, I was so worried!"

"You're back!" Ginta popped out of nowhere, and his face was flushed as if he'd been running.  "We were looking everywhere."

"Why?" I asked, feeling like the idea of people out looking for me when I was perfectly fine was utterly foolish.

"We were scared something had happened." Ayame explained, her lower lip sticking out in that petulant way that _always_ got on my nerves.  "I was so worried…Kouga, and I just…" and then she fainted dead away.  It occurred to me a little too late that I should have caught her.  She was pregnant, after all.  She didn't need to be falling all over the place like that, but before anything could happen to her, Ginta had caught her, and he scooped her up as easily as if she weighed nothing at all.

"Man, look at how bad she's gotten." His voice was gentle, like he was too worn out to be rough with me or her or anyone else.  "She's been worried sick, really.  And you know that she's…"

"Yeah, she told me." I sighed deeply.  "I shouldn't have been so long, but I had things to think about."

"It's okay," Ginta turned to carry her in as I moved to follow.  "We took care of her, I guess.  We try, but you know, she really needs you, Kouga.  She misses you so much when you're gone."

"Yeah, I know." I answered.  "But sometimes…it's better for me to leave."

"I don't get you." Ginta said finally after setting Ayame's form down on our furs.  She was still utterly quiet, but obviously asleep.  "Look how exhausted she is.  She's your mate.  I mean, I know you're leader and everything, but I just…don't think it's right."

"What?" I blinked, trying not to look as worried about what Ginta was saying as I felt.

"There's someone else, isn't there?" his voice was a whisper, harsh and low and accusing.  "I know there must be."

"You don't know anything." I snorted incredulously.

"She told me you were looking." He told me then.  "For a consort."

"Why…would she tell you that?" And then, suddenly, everything made sense.  He was so careful when he held her, so angry when he accused me, and he was there all the time, always next to me, next to her.  "You…and her…"

"I love her." Ginta told me, blushing enough for me to know that he wasn't utterly shameless.  "I love her more than you ever will."

"But she loves me." Somehow that was the most clever thing I could come up with at that moment, and it made Ginta snort at me in ridicule, almost like we were equals and I had just said something exceptionally foolish.

"She did.  But you broke her heart so bad…she can't love you anymore.  She can't.  She needs me to fix it." He puffed up proudly, and I was struck momentarily speechless.

"If I told, you'd be…killed.  The tribe would kill you." I finally spoke.

"What about if they knew?  About the wind user?" Ginta wanted to know, and that was when I felt as if _I_ might faint.  What the _hell_ was going on here?  "They'd kill her a hell of a lot faster than they would me.  At least I'm one of them.  One of the tribe."  I was still at a loss.  Should I deny?  Should I ask him how the hell he knew all that?  Should I just run out of the cave and never come back?  I had no idea right then.

"What…do you want?"  I had always thought of Ginta as a close friend.  And now he was threatening Kagura and sleeping with Ayame behind my back.  What the hell kind of a world was I living in, after all?

"I want you to leave." He said.  "But not right now."

"Why not?" I was too numb to really question his motives here.  This was all too much for me to ask more than one question at a time, and even that took a lot of work.

"Because, in the end, all that matters is one thing." He told me, and his face softened, and he seemed like such a good person, I thought that maybe it had all been a joke.  "Ayame's happiness."

*****

The End (Of Part 5, That Is)


	6. How I Screw Up

Jade's on the rampage!  No, not really, but you see, she made me this video and I told her if I liked it, I would write her more Scarlet, but not if it sucked.  And then she sent it to me, and after the one hour it took to get here, it wouldn't play because of a rendering error and a mysterious audio codec.  So.  I'll still write some Scarlet because I know she's really broken up about the fact that she made it just for me and I can't see it.  Also, I think that she needs to know that Agent Marmalade is totally ingenious, and now Yusho and I have matching winter-wear.  Also, my hat is superior to all other hats as it sports a Black Mage pin on the brim.  Oh baby, yeah.  So on with the story.

*****

Scarlet

Part 6

*****

"Do you want some tea or anything?" Kagura was acting…strangely.  She was saying the right words, the same words she always said after we had finished, but she didn't seem like she _wanted_ any tea.  She was instead doing something to my ear that was causing me to break out in a light sweat.  Again.  Not that I was really complaining, but wasn't she tired?  We had just finished making love, and already she seemed like she was barely keeping herself from just jumping on top of me like we hadn't seen each other in weeks.  Ever since things had changed between us, about two weeks ago when I had finally confessed my feelings, she had been completely insatiable.  It was like she didn't need food or water or sleep, just me.  Whenever I left, the disappointment on her face was so heart-rending that I could never stay away for more than a day.  And when I returned, she'd leap at me as soon as I entered the cave, dropping whatever she had at hand to be with me as soon as possible, like every second away from me hurt.

"If you keep doing that…I'm not gonna let you get any tea." I chuckled slightly, deciding to just take advantage of her newly discovered sexual appetite while I could.  I let an arm move over, draping across her and tracing a light line along her side and then down, up again, toward her breasts.  "What's with you lately?"

Okay, I have advice for everyone.  If the person you are madly in love with is trying to have sex with you and you aren't opposed, do _not_ ask them any stupid questions.  _That_ was a stupid question, in case you were hoping for a frame of reference.  Kagura froze, and my ear was suddenly forgotten as she shifted her position to look at me more clearly.  Apparently, horny youkai woman take extreme offense to being questioned.  At all.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she was completely defensive when she spoke, like I had attacked her personal integrity or something.  All I was asking about was her sexual drive.  I wasn't _complaining_, that was for sure.

"Nothing." I tried to keep my voice light and as aloof as I wanted her to think I was about the whole thing.  But seriously, it was just a little odd.  I know that I'm a guy, and more sex should be a _good_ thing, but I couldn't help wondering if something was up.  "You've just been so…affectionate lately.  More than ever, I mean."

"We're in love, aren't we?" That didn't sound very loving.  It sounded more like she was looking for something to throw at my head.  "Isn't this how people in love act?"

"Must be." I smiled then, and it seemed to break through whatever mood she had fallen into.  "Cause I love you, Kagura.  Really.  I just was wondering, because you never seemed so…excited about sex before.  And now…"

"Yeah…I know." She flushed, getting up and putting her yukata on swiftly, but not harshly.  "It's just…I've never…no one's ever told me they love me before you.  I just…don't want you to change your mind or anything."

"Why would I change my mind?" I was flabbergasted.  "You're _it_ for me, Kagura.  Don't you get that?  I was supposed to bond Ayame, but you're all I care about, all I can think about.  You're the only one in my heart.  I'd never be able to change that, even if I wanted to."

"Do you really think that?" Kagura looked up from where she had been setting her pot on the coals of her fire.  "I mean…what if I died tomorrow?"

"That's not funny." I told her flatly.

"I wasn't trying to joke around." She shook her head swiftly.  "I really want to know.  If I died tomorrow, what would you do?"

What _would_ I do?  That was a damn good question, and I didn't really have the answer.  But then, I had to admit to myself that the whole business was silly.  I'd only told Kagura I loved her two weeks ago.  In a youkai's lifetime, two weeks is _nothing_.  And already we seemed to be on the really philosophical questions.  How had this happened?

"Well." I began, trying to say whatever came to mind.  "I'm not sure what I'd do.  Maybe I'd kick Ginta out of the tribe."

"What?" Kagura seemed totally confused by that one.  Not surprising, as she had not been there when I learned the hard way that just because a guy was your friend didn't mean they weren't sneaking into your den to be with your mate as soon as you left.  Yeah, I know.  My life was good.

"He's sleeping with Ayame." I explained, moving to sit up as the light linen cover cloth she liked so much slipped down my chest and pooled in my lap.  "He told me."

"He just _told_ you that?" Kagura looked extremely perturbed by this turn of events.  I didn't see why it bothered _her_ so much.  It was my mate he was sleeping with.  "He said, hey Kouga, how was your day?  By the way, I'm sleeping with your mate.  Just like that?"

"Not quite like that." I snorted, wondering if she was trying to be funny or not.  It didn't pay to laugh at Kagura when she was serious.  "But yeah, he is.  He wants me to leave the tribe."

"But you're the leader." Her face went blank, as though she couldn't understand what I was saying.  "Get _him_ to leave."

"He knows about you." I waited on that one, and I managed to say it exactly when she was sipping her tea.  She spit it out and was coughing for some time before she recovered enough to speak again.

"How?" she asked finally.

"I don't know." I answered her.  "But he does.  Must have been following me or something.  You haven't seen him around here, have you?"

"No, I don't think so." She went back to her tea.  "But if I do see him, don't worry.  I'll kill him."

"Don't go around killing random wolves!" I held out a hand as though I thought she might go searching any second for him.  "You don't even know what he looks like."

"Sure I do.  That one with the little black tuft in front, right?" she asked me, her voice seething with anger that she was obviously eager to unleash.  "Little bastard will think twice before he betrays you again, trust me on that."

"How…do you even know?" I asked her, and she froze, dropping her cup, which broke on the ground and splashed a dark stain on her yukata.

"Shit!" she leapt to her feet.  "Forget how hot it is until it falls in your lap!  Dammit, that was my favorite cup!" she cursed as she cleaned up, waving frantically at her lap the whole time.

"Did you get hurt?" I stood, but she waved me back to the bed.

"Never mind it, just a little burn, after all." She grumbled, using more force than necessary to toss out the shards of her ruined cup, which shattered like bits of glass on the rocky hillside.  "It was stupid of me to slip like that, but I suppose that's what happens when you don't pay attention."

"Kagura?" I began, but then she whipped her yukata off and tossed it aside, moving toward me with that predatory glint in her eyes.  Somehow, I couldn't quite remember what I was going to ask her.  She smiled at me as she kneeled, straddling me over the cover sheet, and reaching to pull my hand toward her slightly reddened leg.

"See?" her voice was like sinking into the deepest sea of delicious warmth, drowning, and loving every second of it.  It was sinfully decadent, and it had to be the sexiest noise in the world.  "Feels fine, doesn't it?"

"Little…warm."  I answered, but she was moving my hand up, slowly, and it was all too clear where she was directing me.

"Like this?  This is pretty warm, too, don't you think?" she moved my fingers where she wanted them, her free hand going to my shoulder to brace her as she ground against my hand, her eyes still warm as liquid pools of freshly spilled blood.  "And this…doesn't hurt."  She made a little noise, like a cross between a mewl and a sigh, and her fingernails bit into my skin briefly before her hand slithered down, over my chest, and then under the linen.  The few thoughts that had been floating aimlessly through my mind promptly disappeared, and my whole world was focused on her eyes, her warmth, and her movements.  That was all that mattered.  That was all that had ever mattered.  "Does that hurt?" it was a purr, and I shook my head vigorously.

"N…no." I told her.

"But it's _definitely_ warm." She had dropped her hand from mine, but I realized that I was still touching her, moving my fingers like I had learned how to after a period of trial and error that had marked the beginning of my time with Kagura.  We did things together I had never even _thought_ of doing with Ayame.  "Mmm, I wonder which…is warmer." I didn't notice she had used her now free hand to move the sheet aside until she edged ever closer to where I wanted her, and where I could tell she wanted me.  She was poised over me, just brushing over me lightly as she leaned in for a kiss.  And after that, I didn't _care_ about Ginta or Ayame or any of that.

Kagura was everything to me, and I liked it that way.

----------

"Kouga?" her voice had never bothered me too much before, except for when she refused to stop talking.  But right then, I thought that Ayame's voice was possibly the most irritating noise ever known.  But then, I was trying to get to sleep, and for the past ten minutes, she had been keeping me up with her inane prattle.  I did not _like_ her prattle, because it only reminded me that I _had_ to at least pretend to listen, since she was my mate.  And then I would remember that she was sleeping with Ginta.  And then I would notice that she was looking at me the same way she always had, like I was the only person in the universe, and it really pissed me off to know it was all a big lie.  I didn't like being tricked.  It reminded me of Naraku.  Which reminded me of Kagura.  Which would have been good, except Ayame was _not_ Kagura, and for that, I was pretty angry with her.

So yeah, I was angry.

"What?" I flipped over to face her.  She still slept beside me, cuddling up really close like she thought I didn't _know_ all about what she did.  Had Ginta forgotten to tell her that little tidbit?  That was annoying of him.  I didn't like this whole façade of mated bliss, and I didn't understand why she insisted on making me suffer through it.

"You seem so distant lately." She reached over to touch my face and I brushed her hand away.

"Stop it, I'm trying to sleep." I told her.  "And I'm not distant.  We're in the same damn bed!  It doesn't get much closer than that."

"I mean, you haven't been…why don't you kiss me?" she wanted to know.

Count to ten, Kouga.  Slowly.  One…two…three…  
  


"It's like you just aren't attracted to me at all anymore." She whimpered.  "Is it…because of the baby?"

What number came after three?  For some reason, I couldn't think of numbers.  Only of shaking her silly and asking her what the hell she thought she was talking about, like she didn't know how totally fucked our relationship was.  Wait…no, four…that's right.  Five…six…seven….I was starting to feel calm.

"What does the baby have to do with me kissing you?" I was incredulous.

"Maybe you think I'm fat." She explained.  I blinked at her.  Was she serious?  Apparently so.

Just breathe, Kouga.

"You're two months pregnant.  You don't even _show_ yet.  How could I think you're fat?" I wanted to know.  I thought that she would see how silly she was being and apologize, maybe let me get some damn sleep.  I thought wrong.

"Then…you think I was _already_ this fat!?" she began crying then, and I suddenly had the crazy thought that if I pretended to fall asleep, she'd shut up and leave me alone.  I only believed it would work for about three seconds, though.  Damn my sense of realism.  "Kouga!"

"Ayame, please." I was trying my absolute hardest to maintain my patience with her, but it was straining.  Very straining.  "I am _not_ trying to say you're fat.  I'm saying that you are not fat, and even when you are, I won't care."

"What?!" Apparently, that was _not_ the way to calm her down.  "You think I'm getting fat?!"

"You're fucking _pregnant_, Ayame!" I explained, my patience very thin, and my head starting to ache.  "That's all I meant.  When you're nine months, I'm not gonna give a shit."

"About the baby?!" she was in hysterics, and everything I said was making it worse.

"No!  Dammit, listen to me when I talk!" I tried, but she wouldn't shut up.  So I got up and stormed out of the cave for a walk.  I wasn't _planning_ on going to Kagura's.  I just wanted to get out of there until she was tired enough to let _me_ sleep.  However, I ran straight into Ginta.

"Where are you going at this time of night?" he wanted to know.

"What, you're my mother now?" I had been very irate with him and Ayame ever since I found out what they were doing together.  "Ayame's bitching and I'm fucking exhausted.  I'm gonna stay out of there until she shuts up so I can sleep."

"Don't you know anything?" Ginta hissed, grabbing my arm like he was threatening me.  Like he could _possibly_ threaten me.  "She's pregnant!  Of course she's moody.  Just deal with it.  Don't make it worse like this.  It hurts her every time you just give up on her like that."

"Why don't you go deal with her?" I asked, angry and too tired to deal with his accusations and questions.  "Since you're so hot on her, you go put up with it."

"Don't talk about her like…like she's just…" Ginta shook his head, and turned away, releasing my arm.  "Never mind.  I shouldn't expect you to care about her.  I knew you wouldn't, even if she tried her hardest, even if she can never forget you.  You just don't appreciate…just go to her, then."

"Ayame?" I was not really enthusiastic about _that_ idea.

"Kagura." His voice was a whisper, but I still had a sudden fear that someone would hear.  "Go to your whore."

"She's _not_—" I cut myself off as I saw a late night patrol wolf approaching, probably headed for bed after being relieved.  "I'll be back in the morning.  Maybe later."

"I'll tell her not to wait up." Ginta answered after me as I raced off into the hills.  At least Kagura would let me get some sleep if she could repress her urges long enough for that.  My head hurt, and it wouldn't get any better until I got some rest, I knew.

*****

The End (Of Part 6, That Is)


	7. How I Hide in Lies

Okay…ribbons in hair?  Check.  Kuma-chan on the monitor?  Check.  Snacks in reaching range?  Wait…gaaaaah!  All the Triscuits are gone?!  People will die!  People will _burn_!  Everyone will…ooh, Wheat Thins are nummy.  Okay, check on that one.  Green tea?  Check!  Even though I accidentally burned my finger on the pot…owie.  Okay, cool tunes?  Incubus rules.  Check!  Time for another chapter!

*****

Scarlet

Part 7

*****

"Time is running out.  You agreed to this, you understood what it meant.  You said it would be fine.  Everything else is in place."

"I know.  I'm just not ready to leave."

"What's keeping you here?  Didn't we make a deal?"

"We did, but I don't see why I have to go right now.  It's stupid.  Just give me a month."

"In a month, he'll know."

"No he won't."

"He'll know.  I'm surprised he doesn't know already."

"I've been careful."

"You're getting careless, if you ask me.  You're getting sentimental.  Can't bear to do it, can you?"

"Shut up, I told you I'd stick to my end of the bargain, and I will."

"Let me see it."

"No."

"Seriously, what do you take me for?  I just want to see if it's hidden."

"You can't see it, can you?  It's hidden.  So let me stay here."

"Why?"

"What do you care?"

"What do _you_ care?  There's more than this waiting for you.  But you keep stalling."

"I'm not…shhh…"

"Okay, we'll continue this later."

My stirring caused the garbled words to blur and fade away.  Was it a dream?  Maybe I was going crazy, hearing voices in my head.  But this was the second time I had such a strange dream.  No people, no faces, just two voices, discussing something.  What were they talking about?  Keeping something hidden…going somewhere…a deal.  It didn't make any sense to me, and I really hate when things don't make sense, so I promptly forget about them if I possibly can.  Dreams are one of those things you can forget about.

"Hungry?" Kagura was serving me rice, and I smiled at her warmly.  The past two weeks of my life had to have been the closest I had ever been to being free and happy.  Two weeks ago, Ayame had left the den with a small escort and a midwife hired locally.  In my tribe, we have customs about women going into isolation after the sixth month of pregnancy, and so she had left, her belly only slightly larger than it had been when she first spoke to me about her condition.  That wasn't odd, though.  I had never seen women get very big by the sixth month, and some barely showed at all.  Of course, Ginta had volunteered to lead the escort, and I let him go.  I was pissed at them both, but I figured that I'd have less shit to deal with if they were gone for a few months.  Tradition stated that she would stay isolated for four months, but as soon as the baby was born, they would send for me to come see it.  I could spend the next month with her if I wanted to.  But I didn't want to.  This time spent with Kagura, staying with her nearly all the time, only leaving to check with Hakkaku on the condition of the tribe…it was wonderful.  The tribe didn't seem suspicious.  Hakkaku seemed to think I was trying to camp out close to where Ayame was isolated, because I was so worried.  I let him go on thinking that.

"Thanks, Kags." I sat up and leaned over for a peck on the cheek before digging into my food.  Even though I still had an internal hatred of chopsticks, this time with Kagura was teaching me to be a master of the utensil, and I felt less like stabbing the rice until they snapped in half and I'd have an excuse to just scoop my breakfast up with my hands.  "How do you always know when I'll wake up?"

"I…don't." she seemed vaguely surprised by this question, but I gestured to the bowl.  "Oh, that.  The rice stays hot if I just make sure to keep stirring it and not let it dry out."

"Thanks, anyway." I told her.  "No one's made me breakfast since my mother when I was a kid.  It's great."

"What was she like?" Kagura's eyes lit up.  "Your mother, I mean.  You never really…talk about her."

"Strict." I managed after a mouthful of rice.  "Kinda cold."

"But she made you breakfast every morning?"  Kagura frowned.  "That doesn't sound right."

"Well, maybe she just thought it was her duty or something." I suggested.  "My father and her…fuck, it was a miracle he got _one_ kid out of her.  She couldn't stand him."

"Why did they?…" Kagura seemed understandably confused.

"Arranged mating." I clarified.  "She didn't want anything to do with him, and he wasn't too keen on her because she was such a priss about it all the time.  Seemed upset when she passed on, but not all _that_ upset, you know?"

"Do you think…she loved someone else?"  Kagura's eyes flashed a brilliant red, and a smile quirked the edges of her mouth.  "Maybe you weren't even your father's child!  Maybe she had a lover, just like with you and…" her face fell and she cringed.  "Sorry, I know you don't like talking about that."

"No, it's fine, I guess."  I sighed.  "I don't know.  I guess I didn't really get to know my mother that well.  She was…well, she was very beautiful.  And she made me study all the damn time.  She wasn't big on hugging or kissing or anything like that.  But I did look a lot like my father, so it's hard to think that was just coincidence."

"Maybe that's why." Kagura sighed.  "She loved someone else, but her child was your father's.  So she couldn't really attach herself to either of you."

"You seem pretty fascinated by her." I told her as I scraped at the last grains of rice.  "I haven't thought of her in ages."

"But…she was your mother." Kagura told me, as if this should change the way I feel and think.  "Don't you want to know more about her?  To try and understand her?"

"What good will it do now?" I wanted to know.  She stared at me for a long moment and then nodded slightly, taking my dishes and going to wash them in perfect silence.  I was getting dressed when I noticed that her shoulders were shaking as she dallied over cleaning the rice cooker.  "Kagura?" I approached her, wearing only my pelts.  "Are you okay?"  She was crying.  I could hear her hitching and choking breaths this close.

"I'm…fine." She insisted, as though I couldn't tell what was going on.

"No, you're not." I reached out to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing the juncture of her neck and shoulder lightly.  "What's wrong?"

"It's stupid." She told me.  "I can't tell you."

"After listening to Ayame, nothing you say can possibly sound stupid." I told her, nuzzling against her neck as she brushed away her subsiding tears with the back of her wrist.  "Just tell me.  Is it something I said?"

"Sort of." She admitted.  "I just thought…how sad it would be…if your mother really did love you.  How must she feel knowing that you didn't care about her at all?"

"I didn't say that I just didn't care about her." I explained, my voice gentle.  "It was just frustrating.  She never really showed me affection, no matter what I did to please her.  I still cried when she died.  She was my mother, no matter how cold she was.  And she made some damn good breakfast."  That made Kagura laugh, at least, though it was a weak and slightly startled sound.  "Why the sudden concern for my mother?"

"I…don't know, really.  It just seemed…I want to know everything about you, Kouga." She told me.  "It's important to me.  You're important to me."

"Thanks." I kissed her neck again, longer this time.  "Kagura?"

"Mmm?" she loved it when I kissed her neck.

"Is that pot done yet?" And she was laughing again.

"Nearly." She turned, her hands still wet with the hot water she used to clean the dishes.  "I think I'll let it soak."

"How long?" I asked her.

"That depends." She kissed my chin playfully.

"On what?" I had a pretty good idea _what_ it depended on, but I was all for playing along.

"How long you can keep my distracted with _other_ things." She told me.  I was only too willing to help her out there.  But somehow…it was hard to keep my thoughts from wandering to that dream.  What had it been about, anyway?  Who was talking?  I was almost sure one voice was Kagura, but maybe I only thought that because I was always with her.  And did it even matter?  Why was I obsessing?  It was stupid, and not something to think about when you had a beautiful youkai's legs wrapped around your waist, holding her up only with your arms under her thighs as you stumbled toward the furs.  Yeah.  Sex first, thinking later.  Sounded like a plan to me.

I could think about stupid dreams later.  Like when Kagura wasn't grinding into me.

That sounded like a really good idea.

----------

"One month, please."

"You said that last week.  I gave you a week.  That's long enough."

"I'm not ready."

"You're past ready.  You'll spoil everything if you wait too long."

"It won't make any difference if you give me just three more weeks."

"Everyone's waiting on _you_."

"It's not like it will happen any faster if I do it today."

"I could make it happen faster."

"Don't you dare."

"Why not?  How do you think he hasn't noticed yet?  I'm doing it."

"Don't touch it."

"Stupid, I don't have to _touch_ it."

"You know what I mean."

"Don't be so possessive.  It's not yours."

"Right now it is."

"It'll be worth more once it's gone."

"I hate you."

"I know."

And the sound of sobbing was what woke me up finally, as clear and quickly as if Kagura had cried out my name.  It was the middle of the night this time, the first time I had the dream at night instead of in the morning, just before I woke.  The only light was the glow of the banked fire's coals and the wisps of moonlight filtering in the entrance of Kagura's cave.  And that was when I noticed that Kagura was not beside me, and where she should have been, there was nothing but a cold spot.  She was hunched over beside the fire, and after a few moments, I realized that I had not been imagining that last thing.  She was crying, sobbing brokenly, like someone had just crushed her heart.

"Kagura, what's wrong?" I was clumsy, and it was cold, and I was naked, and it was dark, but I got over to her with no incident, and she leapt up when I touched her shoulder, as though she hadn't noticed my presence until then.

"You're awake?" she sounded shocked, frightened, and still sad about whatever it was that had her crying her heart out.  "Did I wake you?"

"I heard crying." I explained.  I'd heard voices, too, but I knew that was just the dream again.  That was nothing to worry about.  It was stupid to think twice about it.  "Are you hurt?"

"No…I just…let's go to bed." She clutched at my arm and pulled me back toward the furs, and I followed, even though I was still overflowing with questions.

"Kagura, why were you crying?" I asked her as we climbed back into the warm cocoon and she cuddled close to me, letting me surround her in my longer limbs.

"Bad things." She told me, her voice hushed.  "Bad dreams.  It's okay, you chased them away.  You always make them leave."

"Okay," I accepted that.  Kagura hadn't had a good life.  And I knew she was prone to bad dreams.  It made sense.  But it was still weird.  Hadn't she started crying in my dream?  And then when I wake up…she's still crying.  Odd.  But then, I thought maybe it was another one of those moments that just blended from dream to reality without letting you tell the difference between the two.  Obviously, she'd been crying in my dream only because I could hear her crying in real life.  And it woke me up.  "Do you feel better now?"

"Yeah, thanks." She pressed a kiss to the hollow of my throat.  "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you here, Kouga.  I just don't know."

"What if I died tomorrow?" I asked, merely musing, remembering when she'd asked me the same thing.  Her body went stiff.

"That's not funny, Kouga." She responded almost exactly as I had.

"I wasn't joking." I told her, kissing the top of her head.  There was a long silence, and I thought she just wouldn't answer.

"I'd lose myself." She spoke finally.  "And I'd die."

"Fuck, Kagura…" I didn't know what to say to that.  It sounded pretty scary to me, and I didn't like the idea that if _I_ died, Kagura would just die right after me, like there was no reason for her to live.

"Can we sleep now?" she asked, her tone urgent.  "I'm really tired."

"Sure." I wanted to ask her why she'd say something like that.  How she thought she'd die.  What she meant by losing herself.  If she seriously thought that would happen.  But I don't think I really wanted to know the answers to those questions, so I just went to sleep.

I hoped I wouldn't dream about the voices again.  That dream was bothering me.  It felt wrong.

Kagura felt right.

*****

The End (Of Part 7, That Is)


	8. How I Get Left Behind

I am on such a roll, even though it's kinda hard to think with Agent Marmalade squealing madly in her Gravitation overdose of sugary manga boy love state, but I have a secret weapon.  HEADPHONES!!!  Yes, I will triumph, and I will write, and it will be good, and it will apparently be confusing, cause that's my specialty.

*****

Scarlet

Part 8

*****

I expected to have four months of mostly uninterrupted time with Kagura, pretending she was my mate, living like we had always been together and there was nothing else in the world except for us.  Hakkaku was doing a fine job watching out for the tribe, taking care of the boring everyday business of hunting, patrols and such.  No bad news was coming from Ayame's seclusion group, so I figured that had to be a good thing.  I mean, I was pissed at her, but I didn't want her getting attacked and dying pregnant in the wilderness or something like that.  My visits to the tribe became fewer and fewer, and I was having the best time I had in a long time.  For one month.  Then one morning, I woke up to something rather strange.

Silence.

It wasn't odd that it was quiet, really.  I mean, usually there was some sort of fire going, but that wasn't _terribly_ loud, and if it was only coals, that made almost no noise at all.  But Kagura was always bustling around in the morning, and usually as I woke up, I could hear her movements, try to figure out exactly what she would be in the middle of when I opened my eyes and she brought me breakfast.  Cooking, cleaning, soaking rice, mending, perfuming a kimono, grinding herbs, making tea, or a dozen other things.  But sometimes she was out in her garden, or somewhere else, gathering water, picking wild mushrooms, hunting a small animal or three for a special dinner.  Something like that.

So on those mornings, it could be pretty quiet.  But something about this silence bothered me.  It made my head feel odd and a chill run down my spine.  And I had the crazy idea that I just shouldn't open my eyes, because I really didn't want to.  It would be much better if I just stayed asleep for a few hours more.  Days, maybe.  A week.  But if I opened my eyes now, I would be sorry.  But I opened them anyway.

I knew what was wrong as soon as my vision focused.  Kagura was not hunting or gardening or bathing or getting some water.  Kagura was gone.  She had cleaned the cave out.  Other than my clothes, the furs (which I now saw she had taken one of, as well as that linen sheet she loved) and me, there wasn't anything left in that cave.  The shelves hung where I'd put them, lonely and bare on the rough-hewn wall.  The fire was dead, there was no rice cooking over it, and there wasn't anything left in the cave to say she'd been there in the last month, much less the last year.

So then I decided to lay back down and close my eyes and try to think about this without having a panic attack.  The cave was empty.  Or was I having a weird dream?  My plan was to open my eyes again.  This time, if the cave was still empty, I would pinch myself and see if it hurt.  I heard that you aren't supposed to be able to really feel things in dreams.  Now that I had a plan, I felt better.

I opened my eyes.  Everything was still gone.

I pinched myself.  It hurt.

I immediately felt stupid.  And shitty.

Where the hell was Kagura?  I obviously needed a new plan.  One that involved finding her.  I decided that if I sniffed out her trail, this would not be a difficult thing.  I went outside, and tried to pick out the freshest scent, the newest marks that she had passed.  I moved slowly until I found a trail that went dead.  Damn.

So she flew off.  Unless that was the wrong trail.  I went back and tried another.  And another.  I ended up sniffing around that cave and it's vicinity for hours, and all I discovered was that Kagura took too many damn walks, and only one of them led back to anywhere that _wasn't_ the cave.  That first one.  And she'd flown away.  So I was stuck.  My plans were not going well that morning.  I decided that my new plan would be to return to the tribe for a day, come back, and then obviously, everything would be how it had been.  Obviously.  I was just being weird.  She _must_ have said something about this.  She wouldn't just disappear one morning without saying anything.  She loved me.  She'd said it hundreds of times.  I knew she did.

I went back.  I talked to Hakkaku.  I stayed there for hours.  Hakkaku came to ask if everything was all right.  Ever since Ayame left, I hadn't spent more than three hours at a time back at the caves, and that was only when there was some trouble that he needed help with.  I told him that everything was fine, but I was tired.  I decided to get some rest.  I couldn't sleep.  I just kept running over everything Kagura had done and said in the past few days.  Had there been any sort of hint?  Had she seemed like she was going to pick up and disappear?  Truthfully, I had never seen someone do that before, so if there _were_ hints, I would probably have missed them.  And then something struck the back of my mind.

_I'm not ready to leave._

_What's keeping you here?_

Those stupid dreams.  I had never figured them out.  They had seemed so random and pointless.  But then I remembered the first one.  I remembered thinking that I was actually _hearing_ Kagura talk to someone, and that it wasn't a dream at all.  What if that had been the truth?  But if that was the truth, why had she lied when I had asked her about it the first time?

_He'll know.  I'm surprised he doesn't know already._

Were they talking…about me?  Was I the person that everything was being hidden from?  That would explain why nothing made sense.  But who was she _talking_ to?  And what were they hiding from me?

_Don't be so possessive.  It's not yours._

_Right now it is._

_It'll be worth more once it's gone._

Something…it had to be a thing.  They kept referring to _it_.  Keeping it hidden, me not seeing it, it being worth something, it belonging to Kagura, not belonging to her.  What was it?  Something Kagura was possessive of.  Something she didn't want to give up, but she was.  It seemed that way, at least.  She'd made a deal, and she had to give something she valued up.  But what for?  Money?  That didn't make sense.  I paid for everything she could ever want.  But maybe…maybe she didn't want to depend on me.  So she'd give something up.  Something to make her free.

_I am the wind.  One day, I'll be free._

She had said something like that long ago, when Naraku was still alive.  It was one of the few things she'd said back then that stuck with me.  She wanted to be free.  Would she think that being my consort was it's _own_ sort of prison?  And had she found a way out?  What was it?

"This is stupid."  I sighed and stood up, stretching.  I wasn't going to get any sleep anyway.  So I decided to go for a run and hope it would clear my head.  Obviously, I was getting too stuffed up if I was thinking so hard about those damn stupid dreams.  They were just dreams, after all.  They couldn't tell me anything even if I knew exactly what they were about.

I just wished Kagura was back.

When I went for my run, I ended up at her cave without even thinking about it.

It was still empty, but the furs were there, so I climbed back into them and went to sleep.  I dreamed that Kagura had come back, and that what had just happened had really been the dream, and everything was just as it had been when I fell asleep the night before after making love to her.

When I woke up, she was still gone.

----------

I went to a human town after I finally got out of the furs three days later.  I was getting really hungry, and I hadn't had anything to drink, either.  I thought that I'd get some food or something, but I ended up with a ridiculous amount of shit on my back before I left that town.  I returned to Kagura's cave and unpacked everything I'd bought.  A set of bowls, a rice cooker, two pairs of chopsticks, a teacup, a drinking glass, a teapot, a mortar and pestle, several neatly packed bundles of food, two kimonos, and one yukata.  It wasn't until I was putting all of it away that I realized I was slowly restocking all of Kagura's belongings, as if I thought that I could bring her back by just buying enough things that she kept.  I even bought fucking chopsticks.  Pathetic.

I tried to make rice.  I burned it.  I ate it anyway.  I used the chopsticks.

I hate fucking chopsticks, but Kagura loves them.  She thinks they're the sign of a cultured person.

I made tea.  I hate fucking tea.  It tastes like boiled tree bark and dirt and grass.  It tastes like shit.  It's Kagura's favorite thing.  I tried to drink it, but I really just liked the smell of it.  It made me feel like Kagura was there.  And when it got cold and I threw it out, it made me feel more alone than ever.

Things went like that for some time.  I lost track of days and weeks.  The only measure of time was the amount of stuff I kept stockpiling for Kagura.  Nothing changed until I had built up a collection of ten bowls, sixteen chopsticks, three teapots with matching sets of teacups, one other teapot, six other teacups, five drinking glasses, two rice cookers, one totally annihilated rice cooker that I cleverly managed to catch on fire while thinking of Kagura instead of paying attention to what I was doing, four plates, fifteen kimonos, five yukatas, three pairs of sandals, and a silver inlaid comb and mirror set.  That day, after I had eaten what tasted like totally flavorless rice and I decided that Kagura obviously made rice three hundred times better than I did, I got up to wash the dishes.

That was when Ginta walked in.

"Come with me." He said, before I could even react to his presence.  "It's time for you to leave."

"Leave?" I blinked at him before I realized what he was saying and then laughed roughly.  "Whatever.  I haven't been back to the cave for…"

"Two months." Ginta supplied helpfully.

"That long?" I considered this and rubbed my chin.  "How is everything?"

"Not good.  There's a battle forming up between our tribe and a local tribe of badger demons." He told me, his tone not changing at all.

"The badgers that live in the south hills?  What the hell?  There's like seven of them." I snorted.

"No, they were building up numbers, they want to take over the mountains here." Ginta explained.

"Well, shit.  Everyone okay?" I wanted to know.  I might have been moping, but I was still the leader of my tribe, and they mattered to me.

"Right now.  But tomorrow we're going into battle.  You're going to come back tonight and lead the charge tomorrow." He told me.

"Sure." This sounded like what I was thinking of doing at the moment anyway.  I didn't understand why he was so grim-faced about it.

"And you're gonna die." He finished.

"What?  Are you kidding me?  Lose?  To _badgers_?  What do you think I am?  A pup?" I was completely insulted.

"Sometimes." Ginta verified.  "Look, this is how it has to be.  You want Kagura, right?"

"Yeah." I answered immediately, and my eyes went wide.  "Do you know where she is?  She's been missing for…for two and a half months…about."

"She'll be back, I'm sure.  But that won't do you any good if you don't do what I say." Ginta told me.  "I'm not saying you have to _really_ die.  Just pretend.  Let people see you go down hard, and then sneak off.  You can go wherever you want from there.  Come back here if you want to meet your lover, do whatever.  Everyone will think you died, and I'll take over."

"I don't want you in charge." I snarled.

"I don't want you hurting Ayame." He answered back.  "This is the only way I can be with her and you can be with Kagura."

"This is stupid." I said after a long pause.  "Dying to _badgers_?  It'll look bad."

"Almost as bad as fucking a woman who's supposed to be your mortal enemy behind your mate's back." Ginta retorted.

"When the hell did you get so fucking devious?" I was getting sick of this smart, sneaky Ginta.  It wasn't the guy I remembered.

"Ayame…has lots of problems.  I had to learn to be strong for her.  No one else can protect her from the world.  From herself." He sighed and looked somewhat wistful.

"What…are you talking about?" I wanted to know.

"It's none of your concern.  Just tell me, tomorrow.  You'll be there?" Ginta's eyes glinted hopefully, and for a second, I could remember the days when we were friends, and when he looked up to me and did anything I said, when I was his hero, and when I thought that he must be right, I could really do anything if I put my mind to it.

For Kagura…for her, I would do anything.

I'd die for her.  It wasn't asking too much to pretend to die.  That was easy.

"Ginta." I finally spoke again.  "I want you to know, I really trusted you.  Tomorrow, promise that you won't betray me again.  Be the man that I knew.  Let me trust you one last time."

"Of course." Ginta seemed surprised, even touched.  "I never…meant it to end this way.  If there was something else…if I thought you could make her happy, even.  If you cared…"

"Yeah, I know." I sighed. "I know how you must feel.  I'm in love, too."

"It's hard, ain't it?" he asked me, and we were comrades again for that brief moment, just standing around and talking together about things that we couldn't talk to anyone else about.  But it was okay, because we were comrades, and if you couldn't trust your comrade with your life and your secrets, you couldn't trust anyone.  I smiled at him and patted his shoulder.

"The hardest thing."

*****

The End (Of Part 8, That Is)


	9. How I Find Myself

Okay, I once made a rule that I'm not allowed to write past three in the morning, because if I do, bad things happen to good chapters.  But I'm on such a ROLL!!!  I can't just quit now…

*****

Scarlet

Part 9

*****

"Ginta, can I ask you something?" I was checking the strapping on my armor not because I thought it might be loose, but mostly because I didn't want to look at the youkai beside me, walking with me toward the last battle I'd ever fight for my tribe.

"What?" he didn't sound impatient, but he did sound a bit wary.  It was as though he thought I would ask if I could back out of all this and just spend the rest of my life moping over Kagura and pretending to be in love with Ayame.  Even if Kagura never came back from wherever she went and I spent my life filling that stupid cave with stupid shit I knew she'd love, I wouldn't care.  She was free.  I would be free, too.  I hadn't really thought of it like that before, but it gave me new hope.

"The baby.  Did it come yet?" I asked him.

"Yeah." He answered, and I could hear the smile in his tone.  "A boy."

"What does he look like?" I don't know why I asked.  It just came out.

"Like his mother." The answer came back.  "Just like her."

"That's good, then." I gave a nervous laugh.  "No one will ever know."

"No." he told me.  "No, I guess they won't."

"So, you ready for this?" I asked him, pointing up ahead.  We were nearly on top of the badger tribe's territory.

"Ready to die?" he asked back.

"For her, yeah." I answered, and I knew he didn't think I meant Ayame.  Anyone listening would never know what exactly we were talking about in those last moments of semi-friendship, but I knew, and he knew, and that was all that mattered.  "I'd do anything for her."

"She'll come back soon." Ginta promised me, like he knew.  "It's her home.  Only home she has, anyway."

"Yeah, I guess." I shrugged and laughed.  "I guess it's the best I can do to just wait for her.  I'd wait forever.  Till the world rotted away and all that was left was the darkness and my soul, and then I'd find hers."

"How?" he wanted to know.

"Don't you know?" I didn't wait for an answer.  I wasn't expecting one.  "We're bound to each other.  Strongest bond there can be between two souls.  That's what we have."

"But she still left you there." Ginta noted.  "And without a word."

"How did you know that?" My mind flooded with suspicions.  "Did you do something to her?"

"Are you kidding?  I need her around so you'll play nice." Ginta snorted at my idea.  "I could tell.  It's all over your face.  She left you."

"She'll be back." I told him assuredly.  "If not…I'll hunt her down."

"Don't go out hunting.  She might return while you're gone, and then she'll think you left _her_." Ginta could display wisdom sometimes.  This was one of those times.  But it couldn't last.  Minutes later, we found the badgers.  I killed twenty before I decided that even half of our number could win the battle without me, and then I went down.  It was so fake, I didn't think anyone would buy it.  Before anyone could come to investigate, I took advantage of my speed and escaped.

I ran until night fell and then collapsed in Kagura's furs.

She still wasn't there.

It still felt good to be free, even if I was a coward.

----------

When I woke up, there was someone else in the cave, and I was so surprised I nearly killed her before I felt the shadow of a memory kick in, and I recognized the pale figure standing at my bedside.  She blinked great, dark eyes at me, holding her mirror and looking on as though it made very little difference to _her_ whether I was awake, asleep, attacking her, or lying on the floor dead.  "Kouga." She said, and even though I had remembered her voice being…somewhat creepy, it was still enough to send shivers down my spine.  "You have awoken."

"What the hell do you want?" What was her name again?  Started with a K…Ka-something.  Kagura's sister.  Her eternally child-like older sister.  A very creepy girl.  But maybe she knew something about where Kagura was.

"I have come to beg your pardon." She spoke like she was half asleep, but still as though it were important to be entirely proper.  It was very strange.  Creepy.

"For…what?" I wondered vaguely if this was a dream, but decided that it was far too weird and scary to be a dream.

"I have caused much pain, and that was not my intention." She told me.  "If I had known, I would never have agreed to help her."

"Help…who?" I wasn't very intelligible yet.  I was still half asleep.

"Kagura." She answered.  "After the master died, she wanted to kill every part of him.  She asked me to help her."

"What did you do?" I was curious, but still confused as hell.  What did this have to do with _anything_?  At the end of it, would Kagura come back?  I could wait through a weird story for that, definitely.

"She wanted me to extract her soul, to take the piece that was still purely Naraku from within it, and return it to her body as her own, wholly hers."  Kanna explained.  "I did not know what would result.  She did not know.  If we knew, we would have ignored the idea and never done it."

"So…you sucked her soul out?" I was starting to get a vague grasp on this.  A _very_ vague grasp.  "When was this?"

"Two months after Naraku died." Kanna answered.  Okay, so she was apologizing for something that happened years ago.  Sure.  Why not?  "The side effects were unexpected, but I was not witness to them until recently when I began to search for my sister in the mirror's depth once more.  That was when I saw how she had become."

"Um…nicer?" I guessed.

"I broke her soul." Kanna told me.  "Now, Kagura is two people.  She is the woman that you know, and another.  A dark piece.  I would call it Naraku, but that is not quite right.  It is part of her as well, twisted, warped into something evil.  Something dark.  I want to try to fix it."

"You…did what now?" I was back to being totally confused.

"There are two people in Kagura's body." Kanna explained again.  "It is like being possessed, but the possession is from within.  Her own soul is strong, but the second soul is there as well.  It speaks through her, to her, and it can make her do things."

"It speaks…to her?" I had a sudden sinking in my stomach.  I felt like I understood better than I wanted to, suddenly.  "She has conversations with herself?"

"With her other self, yes.  I have seen it.  The dark half, she calls it Naraku, but it is not Naraku.  It needs to be taken away.  It is my fault that it is there.  I made a mistake the first time, and I wish to fix it."  Kanna told me.  "If she will allow it."

"Where is she now?" I asked.  "That mirror…you said you saw things in it.  Where is she?"

"She will arrive her shortly." Kanna answered.  "She had something she needed to do.  A bargain was struck."

"A…bargain?"  I felt sick at that moment.

"She wanted always to be free." She explained.  "She felt that she was trapped with you.  She wanted to be free.  Her inside self told her how she could do it.  She did not like the idea at first.  She thought it would not work.  But her inside self is almost always right.  Her inside self may be dark, but it is very, very clever.  But now it is angry."

"Why?" I couldn't help asking, though I was sure I couldn't really want to know.  All of this was so surreal.

"Kagura gave up something she loved for something she always wanted most, but now she has found that she does not want to be free from you.  She wants to be with you, Kouga." Kanna told me carefully.  "The inside self does not want to be with you.  The inside self wants to kill you for compromising their freedom."

"Um…I didn't mean to…" I was still confused.

"It is all right.  I understand your intentions with my sister.  You proved yourself already today." Kanna must have seen the battle.  The fall.  The escape.

"That wasn't all about her.  I wanted to be free, too." I admitted.

"But to you, freedom includes my sister." She pointed out.  "Belonging to her.  True?"

"True."

"Now we wait." Kanna told me.

"One more thing." I started up again.

"What is that?" she asked, ever proper.

"What…was the thing she gave up?" Kanna turned to me then, her eyes seeming to have sadness in them.  Even pity.

"That is not mine to tell." She answered, her voice mournful.  "I tell you more than I should already.  But that…that is hers.  That was her sacrifice for freedom she did not truly want."

"Can she get it back?" I wanted to know.

"I do not think so." She answered me, and at that moment, conversation was cut off, as Kagura entered the cave.

"I'm…home." She sounded exhausted.  Like she'd walked to the other side of the country and back eight times.  "I'm home."

"Kagura." I leapt up.  I couldn't help it.  Inside self or _no_ inside self, I needed to see her, to feel her, to kiss her.  "Kagura, you're really here."

"It's so dark." Her voice shook as she moved toward the dead fire.  "Why don't you light…Kanna.  It's you, Kanna."

"I have come for what I left behind, sister." She explained neatly.

"I don't think…I wanna see you right now." Kagura addressed the pale girl as she struggled with flint, which I promptly snatched from her.

"Here." I started a fire in almost no time, and Kagura smiled at me weakly, tears rolling down her face.

"It took me forever." She told me.  "Forever to get back here.  I just kept thinking what it would be like to see your face again.  And now you're here."

"I will do it right now, sister.  It will not take long." Kanna had ignored her dismissal, and now she turned her mirror, causing a stream of cloudy white to wisp from her body and into the mirror.  I couldn't think of what to say as Kagura sat there, gasping and looking like she couldn't breathe.  Should I stop Kanna?  But Kanna…why would she make up a story so completely ridiculous?  It had to be true, didn't it?  And then I saw something entangled with the white, like a great parasite of black smoke.  And suddenly I was sure that Kanna had not been lying.

"That is the inside self." Kanna nodded to me, as though reading my mind.  "I will remove it now."  I caught Kagura, who fell limp as the last of her soul left her body, and watched as Kanna seemed to go into a trance.  I carried Kagura back to the furs and laid her down carefully.  At that moment, all I could think of was how we would now have too much stuff because of how much Kagura had taken with her and how much I had subsequently purchased.  Amazing how intelligent you can be, but when it really matters, your mind is suddenly on cave inventory.  "Kouga." Kanna's address woke me from my deep thoughts or lack thereof.

"Yeah?" I answered, trying to seem confident.

"If this does not work, you should kill her." Kanna told me softly, in that expressionless voice that sounded only sad and bored at once.  "She would be sad if anyone else killed her."

"Um…" I couldn't agree to that.  I could _never_ kill Kagura.  Not now.  Not anymore.

"Promise."

"I can't." I was completely honest.

"She will be sad." Kanna repeated.  "Unless you promise."

"I…"  I had said…I'd do anything for her, didn't I?  "Sure.  Fine.  I promise."

"It is easier now." Kanna told me.  "Hearing you made her true self happy.  It is easier."

"Should I…keep talking?" I hadn't thought I could help at all, only sit around and look useless and worried.

"That would be advantageous." Kanna confirmed, and I nodded sharply.

"Kagura, babe, I hope you can hear me."  I began.  "I love you, no matter what you did.  Whatever you gave away, it's fine.  I know what it means to want to be free.  I only just became free.  For you.  I wanted to do anything for you.  Ginta gave me the chance to die for you, and I did.  Now…now we can be together all the time.  But…I'm sorry, because I'm not in charge anymore.  Ginta said…he'd bring me some money still, but we won't have as much as before.  But it's okay.  I bought you a bunch of stuff while you were gone.  I wondered…do you want to stay here?  If you want, we can go wherever it is that you would like to live.  As long as you're there, I don't care.  I'll go anywhere with you, Kagura."

"Good."  Kanna spoke again, and when I looked up, she actually looked tired.  "I will return her."

"And hope." I added, as the white cloud floated back to where it had come from.  Kagura opened her eyes.  "How do you feel?"

"Home." Was all she answered before she fell asleep, utterly exhausted.

*****

The End (Of Part 9, That Is)


	10. How I Start Over

Oh, finally I start in with some explaining of some things!  Don't worry, there's more explanation to be had.  What did Kagura give?  What's wrong with Ayame?  Will Ginta's plan pan out as he hoped?  Will Kouga's freedom last?  Will Kanna's mistake be rectified?  All this and more is yet to be known!

*****

Scarlet

Part 10

*****

I woke up the next morning with a warm ache of happiness in my chest.  I was finally where I most wanted to be.  Lying with Kagura, not a care in the world beyond the two of us.

Well, Kanna was still there.  That was kind of disturbing.  She was standing at the far end of the cave, staring at us blankly as though she could see through us, perhaps into us.  I wondered momentarily if she needed her mirror to touch souls, or if it was simply a concentration device.  I wondered if she could see my soul and Kagura's, how they were bound.  I was sure they were bound.  Otherwise, I wouldn't long for her so deeply, I wouldn't go so far to be with her as I had.

And then she opened her eyes.  It was the first time in a long time that she woke after me.  I tried to think of the last time I had been able to watch her sleep, to see her face twitch slightly as consciousness returned, to watch her lids flutter slightly before revealing those crimson depths that held me so fascinated.  I was sure that I could always recognize Kagura by her eyes alone.  They were so unique, so utterly entrancing, so viciously sinful and at the same time…they were a part of me.  I could no more hate the blood she had spilled reflected in those eyes than hate myself and every past transgression I had committed.  I loved her so much it hurt, and it made my eyes sting slightly to think that this was it.  This was my life, my dreams, and everything I had wanted, all rolled up into one petite, graceful, elegant, viciously sarcastic, caustic, package.  I wouldn't have her any other way.

"Mmm…so sleepy." She murmured as she smiled faintly at me, and I laughed in response.

"Just rest, then." I told her, my voice soft.  "I learned to cook while you were gone.  I could make you breakfast if you'd like, though my rice isn't half as good as yours."

"Really?" she blinked, her smile widening to a brilliance rarely shown when she was fully cognizant.  "You cook?  Edible things, even?"

"You want some or not?" I refused to be upset by her teasing after she'd been gone so long and only just returned to me.

"I missed you." She told me.  "Don't get up just yet." And she made a sound in the back of her throat, a groaning purr of sorts that almost made me forget the pale girl across the cave.  But not quite.

"Your…um, sister, is still here." I pointed out.  "A guest for breakfast."

"Oh…that's no fun of her." Kagura stretched languidly.  "Well then, much as I wouldn't mind you poisoning me, I'd best get up if we're cooking for more than two."

I tried to stop her, but really, there's no stopping Kagura when her mind is set.  As she moved about, comfortably as though she'd never been gone, I realized we hadn't said one word about where she'd gone and why.  How she'd left without a word to me, and how she had yet to apologize for such an oversight.  I didn't really want to talk about it, and I don't think she did either.

"Sister." Kanna accepted the rice bowl that Kagura handed her, only after moving her mirror to a convenient loop of white rope tied to her obi for just that purpose.  "Is your body tired?"

"It is." Kagura nodded slightly, though she took slightly longer than what was necessary to answer the simple question.  "You must have traveled far to be here, sister."

"I did." Kanna did not elaborate.  "Your head.  Tell me how it feels."

"Kind of fuzzy, like it was stuffed with cotton and then all the cotton was pulled out and replaced with water." Kagura answered easily this time.  "Do you like the rice?"

"Very much." Kanna nodded slightly.  "Does it feel crowded?"

"Not at all.  Almost empty, you know?" Kagura was cheerful enough as she ate her rice with her sister and myself.  I had a feeling that I was not supposed to be participating in this conversation, so I just kept my mouth shut.

"Good."  She nodded at me.  "Are you angry with me, sister?"

"For what?" Kagura wanted to know.

"I told him." Kanna explained.  She did not go further than that before the chopsticks fell from Kagura's hand and clattered into her bowl, totally forgotten.  "He had to know what was inside you."

"You didn't…you…" she was stammering, her face white, her eyes wide, looking as though she couldn't breathe.

"Not that." Kanna told her sister, and I felt as though I was missing something important.  "I left that for you."

"I can't tell that.  That's not his business." Kagura was immediately defensive.

"Is it not?" Kanna blinked slowly, scooping up a very properly sized mouthful of rice.  "You are too possessive by half, Kagura."

"Shut up." Kagura ground the words out.  "You talk too much, Kanna."

"Do you wish me gone?" the voice was not hurt, just curious.  And sad, always sad.

"No…just…shut up." Kagura went back to her rice.  "You have no right to tell him."

"You have no right to keep it from him." Came the reply.

"Okay, I'm _still_ right here." I decided that this was getting annoying.  "Could you try not talking about me like I'm not in the same room?"

"I apologize for my oversight." Kanna told me.  "And now.  I believe I have done all I wished to do, and now I must move on.  I will watch you, sister."

"Not all the time, I hope?" Kagura actually smiled, winking at me so broadly I felt myself blush.  How could she _say_ something like that in front of that little girl?  Even if Kanna was older…she was just…creepy.

"I respect privacy." And she glimmered, fading away as suddenly as she had appeared the night before.  I turned to Kagura.

"She's creepy." I said the first words that came to my mind.

"Eh, you get used to it.  And her company is far superior to Naraku's, I must say that." Kagura picked up Kanna's empty bowl and set it in her own, holding out a hand before I handed her mine as well.  My face had gone serious, and she had not noticed it yet.  Not until I spoke as she set about pouring hot water to wash the dishes.

"Kagura?" I began, feeling a knot tightening in my stomach.  "Can we…talk?"

"What about?" her voice was guarded, and I knew she was well aware of the only thing I could possibly want to talk about.

"Us." I started out.  "I'm…did you know what I did?"

"Kanna told me, last night, when she was cleansing me.  She let me see things." Kagura let out a harsh laugh.  "I'm sorry I missed the rice cooker incident."

"I'm not in the mood for jokes, Kagura." My voice was like steel, and she froze before finishing her task as quickly as possible.  "Seriously.  I died."

"Not really, technically." Kagura turned to me, her eyes soft as her voice.  "But I still appreciate the thought.  It's not every day a guy dies for me and lives to tell the tale."

"Well, I just think you should know." I began, unable to really meet her eyes.  "Now, I'm free to do what I want.  Long as I stay away from them.  And we can…"

"Live together?" she smiled.  "I'd like that."

"You gave something up." I spoke nervously.  "To be away from me."

"That was Naraku.  He convinced me that…that you were trapping me here with you." She explained, blushing in embarrassment.  "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't…have listened."

"He's gone now?" I asked.  "From…from…"

"Yeah.  It's quiet now." She assured me.  "He can't…do anything."

"Kagura…" I hated to do this, but I had to.  It was important, and I couldn't just ignore it.  "You lied to me."

"What?" she looked so shocked I almost believed that she never had.  Maybe she'd forgotten.

"You were talking to it once.  The inside self, Naraku, whatever you want to call it.  I asked you who you were talking to, and you said you weren't." I explained.  She didn't say anything.  "How am I supposed to trust you?"

"I'm sorry.  I just didn't want you to know…I wasn't…right.  If you knew, I thought you'd leave.  Naraku said you'd hate me when you found out." She had tears in her eyes.  I hadn't meant for her to cry.  I kissed her head softly.

"I could never hate you, Kagura.  I just…want to be able to trust you." I explained.  "Will…you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" she asked, fear in her eyes.  She knew what I was asking, but she had hopes I'd refrain.

"Where you went?  Why you left?"  I licked my lips.  "What you…gave up?"

"I…don't think I can." The tears spilled over now, and I lost heart.  I couldn't force her to tell me if it hurt her this much.

"Someday." I sighed, hugging her close.  "Promise me that someday I'll know."

"I…" she hesitated, and I thought she'd refuse, but in the end she wilted.  "Yes, someday.  I promise."

"I love you." I told her.  "No matter what.  Remember that."

"But why?" she asked, and the words seemed so foolish, I didn't know what to say.  So I showed her.

----------

"No, no, let me get it." I reached up over Kagura with one hand for the shelf that held the teapot she was trying to get, letting my other arm wrap around her waist.  "There it is."

"You aren't letting me do anything." She told me, holding the teapot in both hands as I let my other arm pull her back against me, my nose nuzzling her hair and then down toward her pointed ear.  "You'd think I was a cripple, the way you act."

"Better safe than sorry." I whispered, tracing the line of her ear with little nibbling kisses.  "Didn't I say I'd take care of the move?  I don't want you straining yourself.  Not now, especially." My hand wandered, as it always inevitably did, to her barely swollen stomach.  "Not every day that miracles happen."

"No, I guess not." There was a twinge to her voice, but I didn't bother about it.  "Anyway, you seem more worried about my ear than you do about the dishes.  We'll never get anywhere if I leave you in charge."

"Fine, fine." I relinquished my grip on her and took the teapot away, wrapping it with several other breakable objects in a heavy fur from our bed.  "Anyway, wait until you see it.  I know you'll really like the cottage.  I wanted it to be somewhere you could be completely comfortable."

"And you told Ginta where to find us?" Kagura arched an eyebrow, ever attentive to details.  "Or were you going to scratch a map in the dirt before leaving?"

"I told him we'd still meet here, once a month, same time as usual.  And that's all he needs to know." It never sat right with me, knowing that Ginta could find my mate and I so easily.  And now that Kagura was pregnant…it only made sense to leave the little cave behind us.  I still remembered when she told me, only two months after Kanna left us.  I had nearly wept.  I couldn't believe that we would be so lucky.  I didn't understand how it had happened after all, but that didn't matter.  What mattered was that we were together, and in no time at all, we would be a family.

"Still, it will be sad to leave here, won't it?" she sighed sadly as I tied the bundle together tightly so nothing would be jostled when I made my third and almost final trip carrying our belongings to the new home I had bought, far from these hills, far from Ginta and Ayame and their damn son and all of Kagura's worst memories.  "This was always our place."

"It was." I nodded, looking up from my work and drinking in the sight of her, hands folded over her stomach just as protectively as always.  "But now we'll have a new place, won't we?"

"I guess you're right." She smiled at me and followed me out of the cave as I tried to find a comfortable way to hold up the last bundle of belongings.  "Shall we fly?"

"You won't get tired?" I asked, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Course not." She rolled her eyes at me and pulled a feather out of my hair.  "It's the best way to travel, you know." And before I could say anything else, she had swept us both up into the air with the last of our things, and I was giving her directions.  We were going home.  She was pregnant, I was free, and we were together, away from the world that could never understand us.  Life was good.

----------

Something gorgeous.  I had to buy the most expensive, most beautiful, most wonderful kimono ever made.  I was sure that was the only thing to do.  Two nights ago, Kagura had been holding our daughter, Yumeko in her arms, cradling her and brushing at her thickening black hair with finely skilled fingers, when she had said something I had never expected to hear from her once, much less twice.

_I'm pregnant._

I had been cleaning out a rice bowl, and luckily, it didn't break when I dropped it on the ground, bouncing and rolling to the side instead as I ran over to crush both my year-old infant and her mother in my arms, my happiness to strong to contain.  It didn't do to think about _how_ it could be that when she was my consort, nothing of this sort had ever happened.  It didn't bother me that after all, I wasn't the one who couldn't have children, and yet it had taken Ginta to get Ayame pregnant.  I think somewhere in my mind, it seemed odd.  It bothered me.  If that was how it was, then how had Ayame ever gotten pregnant to begin with?  But I liked to write it off as the power of love or a message of destiny or something corny like that so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

_I hope it's a boy this time._

She'd said that, blushing and darting a wayward glance at me, searching for my reaction.  I smiled at her, my face still lit up from the sheer joy of knowing that we had defied all probability once again.

_I don't care, as long as it looks like you._

I told her, and she blushed so deep, it looked like her face would catch fire.

Life was good.  And when something this big happened, I felt like buying her pretty things, making some grand gesture, keeping the smile on her face for as long as possible.  I just wanted her to be as happy as she made me feel all the time, just by being there, being herself, and trusting me.

Well, mostly.

I still didn't know the story of what had happened two years ago.  The mysterious thing she'd given up, that Kanna said she could never really recover.  What her compensation had been.  Why she never wanted to talk about it.  It itched at my mind, and it was the one mar on what I viewed as an otherwise perfect happiness.

And that's when it happened.  I was determining whether I liked the green or the blue and white kimono better when I heard a shrill scream, and before I had any time to react, there were a pair of arms around my chest, and the sound of a woman sobbing and babbling incoherently against me.  It took more than a moment for me to turn and discover that I had just been spotted and attacked by none other than Ayame.

"Kouga!  It's you!"  My first reaction was to disappear, to melt into the crowd, to run away.  This was very impossible, as Ayame had a vice-grip on my body.  So I decided to go for complete denial.

"Who?  What?"  I figured that it could, theoretically, work.  My hair was about the same length, still pulled back, but I had long ago abandoned the pelts and armor for more "human" clothing.  I found that it was less obtrusive and less suspicious, and though I had gone far enough from the mountains that I really believed I'd never see the wolves again, I had still felt the need for discretion.  Though, apparently, that hadn't gone exactly as I planned.

"I knew, if I just believed, I'd find you again.  And I _did_!" she was not buying denial.

I wondered how fast you died if you bit your own tongue off.

*****

The End (Of Part 10, That Is)


	11. How I Lose It

Oh no…doom.

*****

Scarlet

Part 11

*****

"I'm not—" she wouldn't listen to one word I said.  I would have thought she was deaf, but I knew for a fact that she wasn't.  Something about her, though…it was off.  Strange.

"You must have been searching for me, for so long!  Trying to get back to the baby and me."  She looked so touched, as though I had really spent the last two years looking for her instead of hiding for her and everything our relationship meant.  "Don't worry.  I took care of him, he's fine, now.  Ginta wanted to take your place, but I wouldn't let him do that.  I left, and I swore I wouldn't come back without you.  And I brought him!" she still had her arms tight around me, so I could barely move, but I could see she was wearing a holster on her back, and inside, I had no doubt that her child was sleeping.  But what was she _talking_ about?  She ran away?  From Ginta?  Why would she do that?  I thought that the two of them had been sneaking around behind my back.  Ginta had all but admitted that he was sleeping with her right out, and I had left knowing that it was the only way we'd all be happy.  But here she was, telling me how she'd run away from Ginta like she wanted nothing to do with him and was carting their baby along for the ride.

"I don't know who…" and then I decided, what the hell?  She wasn't listening to a damn thing I said, and she wasn't going to let me go.  I might as well get my curiosity satisfied before I was able to escape her once and for all.  "Can I see him?"

"Jinkou?  Oh, he's sleeping right now, but when he wakes up, I'll let you hold him, because he's your baby.  Our baby.  I made a miracle, making him exist.  The heir to both of our tribes.  It's wonderful, isn't it?  Life is really perfect now!"  She seemed…stupid.  Not like she had always been a scholar, but right now, it was like all the common sense and shrewdness she had possessed before, all those things that actually made me respect her as a leader…they were strangely missing.  Maybe she was just excited.

"Um…" I didn't really know what to say, so I went back to the kimonos.  "Sir?  Could I have this green one?" I waved to the man, who was haggling with another customer in the open-air market, and he waved to me to indicate he'd be right there.

"For _me_?" Ayame's eyes went wide and liquid.  "You don't have to!"

"It's not for you." I growled, impatient with her childish behavior.  "I don't even know who you are.  This is for my ma…wife."

"But that's who I _am_!" Ayame laughed as though I had just made a wonderful joke.  "Should I try it on after this?  It will go with the bracelet you got me!" she let go of me then, clutching at the kimono and waving the jade-inlaid bracelet at me.  And I felt all the blood drain from my face.

"I…never bought you that."  And this time it wasn't a lie.  What was wrong with her?  Something serious, that was for sure.  Maybe she'd been hit in the head really hard?  Or maybe drugged?  But she didn't smell like alcohol, and I couldn't see any injuries.  I decided that Ginta would be searching for her, and hoped that he was either in the town or back at the caves, where I could find him easily enough.  This was getting complicated.  I couldn't just waltz into the wolf tribe territory with her.  Everyone would recognize me…unless.  "Come on." I paid the owner what he asked, snatched up my purchase, and nearly dragged Ayame away.

"Where are we going?" she wanted to know, sounding as excited and innocent as a five year old.

"I need a haircut."  Kagura would have a fit.  She loved my hair.  But it was the only way, I knew.  "And then we're going on a trip."

"Yay!  A trip!" she giggled and I heard the bundle stirring strangely, so I reached in to pull out the baby, not really trusting Ayame to hold it properly.  She was being…odd.  And what I saw in the holster almost made me stop breathing.  There was no baby in there, and especially not a two-year-old.  There was, however, a young wolf cub.  A regular wolf, of course.  Not a youkai.  What was going on?  "Oh, isn't he sweet?" Ayame did not seemed shocked when I pulled the "baby" out of its holster, looking at it in confusion.  "He looks just like you!"

----------

"This is just such a lovely house you keep.  What was your name again?" Ayame was excitedly sipping at tea and munching on rice cakes Kagura had prepared for her when I brought her home and explained the situation.  My hair was short, cropped close to my head, and it felt strange.  I was still waiting for the inevitable explosion.  I had brought home a strange woman who had once been the one thing that kept Kagura and I apart, and she was toting a wolf cub that she insisted was our child, and that everyone should call him Jinkou.  Kagura had taken this in over the course of a five-minute introduction, her face grim, but a false smile of politeness forced on her tight lips.  She had then stood, walked to the kitchen, and prepared a light tea for Ayame and I to snack on.  As soon as Ayame began eating, I wolfed down my share and asked Kagura to step aside with me.  We were still in the same room as her, though.  I don't think either of us trusted her alone for longer than five seconds.  Possibly ten.

"Kagura." My mate was not a happy woman at the moment.  "I killed all your kin."

"Oh, really?" she beamed at us.  "Have you met Kouga?  He's my mate!"

"Yeah, I think we've met." She gave me a level stare before lowering her voice.  "I'm going to stab you."

"I couldn't do anything about it." I hissed at her urgently.  "She wouldn't leave me alone, and I know Ginta's got to be looking for her.  He was nowhere in town, so I'm gonna have to take her back to the mountains.  What did you _want_ me to do?  Bash her upside the head and leave her to whoever found her?"  Kagura did not answer, but her face said that she did not think that was such a bad idea at all.  "I'm really sorry, Kags, but at least you know I won't touch her."

"No, you wouldn't.  She's like a two year old.  What _happened_ to her?  Was she always this…cracked?" Kagura asked, and we both looked up, to where Ayame was pulling a flower out of Kagura's centerpiece vase and singing little songs to it.  "And _what_ is the deal with the wolf?"

"I have no idea.  I was hoping Ginta could tell me." I explained, pressing the paper wrapped kimono into her hands.  She still hadn't taken it from me.  "Here, this is the reason I went to town in the first place.  Sorry to have gotten sidetracked."

"I can't believe you cut your hair off, either." She was grumbling as she opened the paper and her eyes lit up.  "Oh…this is so beautiful…Kouga, why did you buy this?  You didn't need—"

"I wanted to." I pressed a discreet kiss to her cheek, hoping Ayame wouldn't see.  I did not want to deal with that at the moment.  Though she'd probably pretend not to see it.  "Take care of Yumeko and yourself while I'm gone?  And this one…" I kissed my fingers and pressed them to her stomach.  "I'll be back before you know it."

"Fine." She relented at that.  "I can't believe you're being so nice about this.  If Ginta found _me_ wandering around totally cracked with an animal baby, he'd just leave me to myself.  You really are such a good man, you know that?" she leaned in and whispered in my ear.  "I love you."

"I know." I winked at her and hugged her tightly before returning to Ayame.  "Ayame, finish up.  It's time for a walk."

"Okay!  Can Jinkou come?" I rolled my eyes.  This was going to be the most annoying errand ever.

----------

So, I had a rough idea of how to return Ayame, but once I got close to the mountains, I realized that if she had run away in the first place, I couldn't just leave her in the middle of the hills and hope that someone would find her.  So I led her up as far as I dared to go, even in my disguise, which now also included a false beard I had purchased from an odds and ends shop on the way and a kasa that obscured my face even more, shading my eyes and covering my already shortened hair.  I thought it made me look positively human if I just kept my hands hidden, since the hat rode over the tops of my ears, keeping the points hidden from anyone who might happen to see me.  After we had gotten rather close, I decided to just keep her in one spot for a while, positive that a patrol would eventually spot her and get her.  Now, this didn't seem like a very safe plan, so I lurked in the shadows after telling her we were stopping for lunch and letting her play in the grass and the flowers as I slipped away.  From where I stood, I had a good view of her, and I knew that if she decided to wander off, I could come back out and set her down again.

I didn't have to wait long before a young scout came by and left a couple regular wolves to watch out for her while he went to grab Ginta, who, it seemed, had indeed been looking for her.  Now, at this point I could have left, but something in me hesitated, and I wondered if he might bring the child, my false heir, so that I might get a look at the boy.  And when he came racing into sight, looking like he hadn't slept in days for the worry of the situation, he was indeed toting a cub-child on his back.  I strained for a better look as he admonished her for running off.

"Ayame!" his stern, but relieved voice was clear from where I stood.  "I was worried sick!  What were you thinking to just run off like that?  You could have been hurt!  Think of Jinkou!"

"I did!  I took him with me." She produced the little wolf she had been toting around, and while it only seemed amusing to me, Ginta looked heartbroken at the revelation.  He lunged forward and hugged her tight, while she blinked in disbelief at his reaction.  "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…nothing, I guess." He was tired, you could hear it in his voice.  It must have been exhausting, watching Ayame deteriorate despite all that he cared for her, taking care of Jinkou nearly on his own, and at the same time having the leadership dumped on his shoulders.  Much as I had hated him, that had been a long time ago, and now I knew that I often felt thankful that he had taken my place, giving me the joy and freedom I could never have with Ayame.  And I pitied him.

"Mama!" the little voice was too adorable, and being a father myself, I couldn't resist leaning a bit, trying to see the little child scrabbling out of Ginta's grip and leaping into Ayame's lap.  Smooth, black hair, well-kempt, tiny boots and furs covering his toddler's body, claws, fangs, and a face that I felt I had seen before.  The shock of it was so great that I almost fell over from where I was leaning forward in the foliage.  Smooth, pale skin, elegant chin, pointed ears, tiny fangs, and to top it all off, the one thing that I couldn't have mistaken.  Those eyes.  Scarlet.  Like great pools of blood, mocking me, the person who had so often admired those features in my mate's face.  Kagura.  This baby looked just like her.  Even Yumeko didn't show such a strong resemblance, since she looked largely like a miniature version of me with more feminine features.  "You back?"

"It's my baby!" she squealed happily, and the spell was broken.  The child was so similar to Kagura, I couldn't even begin to think _how_ it had been the product of Ginta and Ayame.  That was when I had a horrible thought.  "Jinkou, you're such a good boy!"

"He missed you." Ginta told her, a smile playing on his lips at the near-normalcy of the situation.  It would have seemed like they were a family, like they were normal, like Ayame had nothing wrong with her.  If they hadn't been holding a child that looked so clearly like Kagura.

_Like his mother.  Just like her._

That was what Ginta had said.  And yet, if that was true, that could only mean that Kagura _was_ the mother.  But how could that be?

_Kagura gave up something she loved for something she always wanted most,_

_Can she get it back?_

_I do not think so._

Could…this…

"I found Kouga!" Ayame was telling her adventure to Ginta, her face cheerful.  The scout did not look surprised or even curious, and it was obvious to Kouga that his secret was safe.  Ayame was clearly insane, and it seemed that the wolves all knew it.  "He brought me here and we were just having a lunch with our baby."  She was not even confused by the fact that at the time, her baby had been a wolf cub and was now an actual little boy.  Kouga really did feel sorry for them, but right now he was too concentrated on trying to see Jinkou closer.  Ginta was sending Ayame back with the scout, and then…

"Kouga?" he spoke quietly, doubtful, but still curious.  He knew that I was still alive and well.  I leapt from my spot, confronting him as swiftly as if that had been my original intent.  "You found her?"

"That kid…" I was still stuck on Jinkou.  "He looks like…like…"

"I know.  I can explain, but you have to promise not to freak out." Ginta sighed deeply, looking very upset and worried.  "I just…thanks for bringing her back."

"The kid.  What's up with that?" I was not to be deterred.  "He looks just like her."

"Kagura?" he arched an eyebrow.  "Yeah, well, he would.  He's hers."

"How…when did you…" I wanted to kill him.  I wanted to stab him.  I wanted to run away from him.  This couldn't be possible.

"When she left, she was coming to finish what she had started with us." Ginta scratched the back of his head, obviously not wanting to meet my eyes.  "See…she…well, it happened when Ayame was still almost normal.  I had noticed that she was a bit…odd, but no one else really paid attention enough to see what was going on inside her head.  Seeing Kagura…listening to her story…that was what broke her, I think.  Knowing that you really _could_ fall in love, and that you had fallen for the one person she thought for sure you would always hate.  She came to us, saying that she had agreed to be your consort only a week ago, and that…well, she said that if we didn't pay her handsomely, then we weren't getting a kid.  But then…see…something happened.  Ayame was starting to believe she _was_ pregnant, when in reality, it was Kagura.  I had to bribe the healer not to say anything.  And then things got more complicated.  I knew what was going on.  I knew you were in love with that…thing.  So when she told us that she had finally gotten pregnant, I told her that she had better not let you know.  Because…well, I thought…I wanted you out of here, and I knew that if this went on, Ayame would go so crazy…I thought that if you left, I could make her better.  Especially if she had a baby to watch out for.  So I told Kagura that the new plan was to get rid of you, and to keep the baby, but that I didn't want you knowing about it until I had the details worked out.  She went crazy, said that there was no way I would be allowed to kill you, that she'd run away, and there'd be no baby for anyone.  So we made a deal.  You lived, but you couldn't know about the kid.  And when she finally had it…she said to keep the money, that she didn't even want it anymore.  That she just wanted to be with you, and that it was stupid of her to make such a deal, but that she had to try and honor her word, after all.  I tried to pay her, I tried to, but she wouldn't take it, and she knew that if we didn't have a baby when Ayame came out of isolation, it would be a huge deal, so we kept it.  He's ours, but he's really yours.  Don't…try to take him.  It's the closest I can ever come to getting Ayame to see the world around her, when she's with that baby."

"She…gave it to you?" I couldn't believe this story.  It was ludicrous.  And yet, I had seen the kid.  It all fit.

_something she loved_

And she couldn't get it back.  Of course not.  Even though I was gone, I felt a vague loyalty to the wolf tribe.  And I had to pity them, Ayame and Ginta.  I hated to admit it, but I couldn't just take away the heir and run off like that.  But how could I let this happen?

"Please, don't get mad." Ginta looked terrified, and for some reason I thought that if I just killed him, that would solve everything.  He'd been the fucking mastermind behind this plan.  And no matter how good his intentions were, he was pissing me off.  He'd stolen my kid, gone behind my back dealing with the one person I thought I could trust, taken over my leadership, and now…now…what else could I do?

"I'll _kill_ you!" I ran at him, but before I even got close, he disappeared.  If I were smart, I would have stopped there.  I would have turned around and gone back home where I had a kid and a mate and another baby on the way.  I would have put this stupid mess behind me, even if it stung to the core, even if I felt like everyone I had ever loved was betraying me, and it was somehow all _his_ fault.  He had led me right into this trap, and fuck Ayame, and fuck how she felt and what was wrong with her, and fuck the line of heirs, I was fucking pissed off.

"Kouga!  Go back!" Ginta's voice reached me from somewhere nearby, but I was blind with rage, I couldn't see anything as I tore toward it.  I could catch him without any shards in my legs, I knew that I still had speed against him, even if I hadn't used it in two years.  I had to be faster.  I had to be.  I had to kill him.  "Please!"

Begging wouldn't do him any good.  I let out a wordless growl and lunged toward where I was sure he was waiting to die, but I found myself in a clearing full of wolves, some of which I'd grown up with.  They didn't recognize me.  Why would they?  All they saw was a crazy human chasing after their leader.  And they attacked.

I had long prided myself on my speed and prowess.  You may be born to leadership, but anyone can challenge it once you take the top spot, so I had always been the best fighter in the tribe.  But I hadn't been there for two years.  I hadn't had reason to fight, to train, to do any of that.  I was slower.  I was weaker.  And there were thirty wolves ripping into me.  I think I got a few good hits in.  I could hear Ginta yelling for them to stop, but it all faded into a blur of blood and noise and darkness into silence.

And then it didn't hurt anymore.

All I could see was her eyes, bright, scarlet, laughing, mocking, killing, loving.

Everything.

*****

The End (Of Part 11, That Is)


	12. Epilogue

Oh man, bet you weren't thinking _that_ would happen.  That makes a change in POV kinda necessary; so let's see if you guys can deal with some handy third person.

*****

Scarlet

Epilogue

*****

"Slow down!" a woman's voice called out across the clearing as two children raced to the top of the flowered hill that was their first destination.  "I'm serious!  This isn't funny!"

"Hurry up, mama!" the girl, who looked to be about twelve, yelled out the weary looking woman who looked like she was barely old enough to be her mother.  "He'll be here, won't he?"

"Of course he will, Yumeko." She sighed and took her time striding across the space between them gracefully, as was her wont.  "He loves to play with you two.  Now, stop and pick some flowers like I showed you."

"Yes, mom!" both children called out in unison, making a great game of gathering all types of wildflowers and then bringing them to her mother, who used a blade of grass to expertly tie them together before she led them further up the hill.  They were going to the top, and they would be there soon enough if they took their time.  Of course, the children hated to take their time.  Kagura sighed slowly as she was passed up again, both of her children running further up the mountainside.  They knew the way to the cave almost as well as she did.  They'd been coming this way for nearly forty years, though it would shock any human to hear that her "babies" were old enough to be middle-aged adults.  Of course, youkai aged much slower than humans did, but that was only something youkai knew.  Or perhaps a few humans who had somehow come to live with youkai.  But Kagura didn't really know of any of those.  Her world was centered around her two children and their monthly visits to the cave she had lived in for nearly a year and a half.

That was where he was buried.

That was where Ginta would meet her, and he would bring Jinkou, her third child, though she let the children go on thinking that they were "cousins" instead of siblings.  It didn't really matter, as long as they got to see each other.  These trips to the cave were therapeutic for her as they were painful, and at least she had come to forgive Ginta, in a way.  After all, she had killed a lot more people than he had, and really, he had tried to save Kouga.

He just hadn't succeeded.

"Jinkou!" she heard the squeal of Yumeko first, and then excited laughter as the children greeted each other, and she had to smile, happy that they got along so well.  After all, it would have made Kouga smile to see, she was sure.  He had been stupid to die for her transgression, and she felt the guilt weigh her down every day.  But until the children were grown, she couldn't possibly leave this world.  And until she died, she could never apologize to him except for in the small ways.  She felt like the flowers were something.  She felt like bringing the children together was another.  And wouldn't it make him happy to know that in the end, everyone got along?  It was his memory that brought them together.  And after Ayame had passed, Ginta had needed a friend just as badly as she had.

"Good day, Ginta." She smiled at him as she finally caught up with her children, who were chasing each other around on the rocks and being generally unruly and overly energetic.  Let them play.  They were just children, after all.  Ginta pressed a purse full of gold into her hand, just as he did every month, and she smiled at him sadly, dropping it into her sleeve so smoothly it seemed to disappear.  Then she moved to her true destination, the single stone that stood in the back of their cave, protected from the elements and from prying eyes.  She knew this place better than any other.  It was where her heart was buried.

"They look taller." Ginta was right behind her as she placed her flowers and knelt to offer silent prayers.  Pleas for forgiveness, for the children's health, for Kouga's peace.  And forgiveness, again.  That occupied her mind almost all the time.  It was the thing that kept her eyes from smiling as brightly as the dead man might have recalled.  It was the thing that made her move about so slowly, like she was dragging a burden far heavier than she had ever been meant to carry.

"You always say that." She told him as she rose some time later, but just as smoothly as if she had not paused at all.  It was always like this.  They would watch the children play.  They would burn some incense for Kouga.  They would wander over the hillside to where Ayame was buried.  They would place more flowers.  The children would continue to play through all of this, as though they didn't understand the gravity of the monthly meeting.

They were young, still, in their own way.

"Last month, there was a fight over in the northern hillside." Ginta spoke up conversationally as they stood from a good vantage point, overseeing the children as they always did.  "A few of my men died."

"I'm sorry." She smiled sadly at him.  All her smiles seemed sad, these days.  They had been that way for so long, it was the only smile Ginta could remember.  It hurt to look at, but not as much as those eyes, that constantly reminded him of the blood that had been spilled between them.  At least it wouldn't happen again.  Never again.

"Hakkaku died." He continued.  There was a long silence.  Kagura did not know many people from the tribe to begin with.  Hakkaku was one of the few she had been able to recognize.

"That's too bad." She sounded genuinely sorry, and he didn't doubt that she was.  They were friends.  Allies, in their own weird way.

"You know…other than me, he's the last one that remembered…what you…you know." Ginta looked rather uncomfortable, and a flash of dull pain, something nearly forgotten, went through Kagura's features.

"Makes a woman feel old, you know." She told him, almost jokingly.  Almost.  "Hearing something like that."

"You could…come live with us.  If you wanted." He had to make the offer before he lost his guts.  "With the tribe.  The children would love it."

"I have no doubt of that." She sighed slowly.  "But I don't think I could handle it.  I'm just an old woman, after all.  And I miss him.  I value my loneliness more than you can know.  It is the closest thing I have to penance, and I must pay it."

"You don't have to…always beat yourself up about that." Ginta felt foolish now.  He'd never expected her to reject the offer.  "I was just as much as fault.  More."

"Maybe." She let her fingers drift through hair that was so long it tangled with her skirts in the whipping wind.  "But I loved him.  And he trusted me."

"I was his best friend." Ginta dug at the dirt with his booted foot.

"I know." Kagura was so distant, staring at the sky wistfully.

"Kagura?" Ginta ventured to ask something else, something that scared him even more than the first question.

"Yes?" she didn't seem to be listening, but she answered him readily enough.

"You think we'll…go to hell?" it had been a constant fear since he'd realized that Kouga was dead.  That he had killed him.  That Kagura would blame herself.  That he had made a mistake with Ayame, and she would never heal, no matter how he loved her.  That he had stolen a child, and that he should have never done it, but it was too late to go back.

"I hope not." She sounded like she might continue, but her pause was so long that Ginta spoke again.

"But…" he prompted.

"Yes."  She finally answered, pulling as much hair as she could back behind her ear, her eyes going back to the children, pained, tired.  Old eyes.  But her face still looked so young.  Who could tell how long she would go on living, wanting to die?

"Oh." There wasn't a lot he could say.  That was what he had worried, and she had confirmed it.

"Sometimes…I feel like this is hell.  My own hell." She turned to him, and her eyes sparkled with tears.  "That must sound stupid.  It isn't that I don't love the children…but they only remind me."

"At least they're happy, no matter how bad we feel." He sighed, stepping toward them, signaling the end of the conversation.

It was time to go home.  They would see each other next month.

And the month after that.

And on.

And on.

*****

The End


End file.
